Life

I sit here and at times I look back and see God's merciful hand on my life and am so grateful for His love, mercy and grace. Much learning about myself has taken place these past few years. When I was the deepest in hurt and sorrow I didn't seek out God as thought I would, I was buried to much in my pain, hurt, sorrow and brokenness. I was down right angry. though my life wasn't a great reflection, my heart was truly innocent and naive. I was still innocent in my heart of hearts. I never knew the deepest hurts that betrayal can do to ones heart, soul and mind. I spent many, many of hour this past few years alone in my room, my heart shattered. Felt like my whole world was crumbling around me. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I found myself in tears crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I was depressed about what should have been, could have been and should be. I never knew this kind of pain unless one were to compare the pain of losing a child. The child inside of me had died and I knew it. My world was crumbling, all I knew came tearing down around as if an ocean had wiped out a city and all I knew was gone. There were times I weakly stood up and it didn't take much and I was back in my hiding place wishing that I no longer existed. I thought many a time if the world would be better off had I never been born, would anyone even notice if I were gone. I know it seems so self centered and looking on the outside perhaps it is, but when your in your darkest hour you question any value you have as a human being. Here is a song that truly hits the mark of what I was feeling Betrayal in a marriage was worse than one can explain it in words. I loved my husband more than words can explain, more than I can put into words. All I had was hurt, I fell apart. Though we decided to work our marriage out, and its been a long road and many tears shed, and deep pain and reaching into a place of myself to move forward. God is giving me a new light and relationship with my husband thats stronger than ever before. But this wasn't all that was to come for me in my darkest hours to have to face... My oldest son who is disabled would face a legal battle. This battle would literally rock my world. In order to prove my sons disabilities more so than they already had would mean the investigative team having to delve into my entire life. I knew all my sins and asked God for forgiveness for them, and had nothing to hide, so no problem I shared what I could remember (any remembering dates is harder than one realizes). Though I shared willingly I had no idea the depth of how far they would go to try and turn what I thought was a medical investigation but instead to try and make me look like a possible cause of why my son was born disabled. Though proven wrong, the lies, the not wanting to know why or the whole story or even my side of what happened made me feel helpless, hurt, betrayed once again. My moral ethics, judgement by many people I thought cared for me came wheezing out. I had realized that though I was forgiven by God many people are not forgiving and love opportunity to bring up things from over 20 years prior. Though I am a grown woman now, and I have changed completely from who I was as a teen mom or young mother, everything in my whole history was in question and under a microscope and it was by the people we hired to defend our son, not the other side. I knew a social history was important to my sons case, but much of it was based on false s and hearsay. I then started to lose trust in people even more so, I felt even more betrayed. I felt alone. My world was being shaken to the very core. I have made terrible choices when I was young, but having my son will never be seen in my heart or eyes as one of them. I wouldn't let anymore see him as one of them. My son was and still is a gift. I had to question myself, my heart, my hurt, pain and whom I was as a person. I had to cry out, I had to reach my center core and though I always felt in my heart I was never worthy of God's love, and always felt like the woman in the bible reaching for the garment of Christ or Mary reaching for Christ ankle like the prostitute shown in the passion of Christ. I felt even more ashamed yet again for the very sins God told me He forgave me for. I felt betrayed by many people I cared about and found that many didn't feel the same way. And also found many who I didn't think did were the ones who ended up being a rock through all of it. I still cry when I write this reflecting back. Then when things weren't hard enough my husband whom I have been working through all of this pain with ended up being sent to emergency for blood clotting problems, he had going to his lungs. That is where my weakness yet strength combined. I thought I might lose him and I was so terrified. Thankfully he is okay now, but when I thought I was going to lose him I can't explain the depth of fear I felt. At the beginning of this year I ended up having a mild heart attack. I was having anxiety and some other health issues myself I knew it was time to let go and let God. This past year when I finally started to work on myself and make myself get out of bed, or out of the house (though I did several times but with a fake smile holding in my ugly cry hurts) I decided it was time to finally stand up and stand on God's forgiveness and give all of my hurts to Him..this song came at the right time and is perfect and in the right timing Though much of this I am still having to bring to God, and reassure my heart. I found I was weaker than I thought yet stronger than I could ever imagine. I found that when God says to follow Him not the world He means it for a reason. I found that TRUE love is in God and God alone. And forgiveness 70x7 is harder than one might think, but when you at least try its easier than you realize and your set free and no more carrying the burden of un forgiveness. I was set free...I gave God each burden and I feel God will deal with those who hurt others, and its not up to me to worry about it. I can't live my life worried what others think of me, in the end God knows my inner core and all that matters is what God thinks. My life is my testimony, what I have been through, go through and will go through. Only God knows the steps I have taken and knows my heart through it. I am not ashamed anymore..but will use my life to glorify Christ. I am not saying I will not fall, or will stumble or make mistakes, what I am saying is God He will help lift me up, He will help guide me, He will give me strength and He will love me unconditionally.. This song is a powerful Hymn that if you google you can find out the history of this song which puts even deeper meaning in the words you hear.. It is well with my soul So my message is this. I have learned to be stronger, learned to become a new woman, though my innocence is gone from my childhood, God can build a new innocence in me. An innocence that is richer, deeper and stronger. I am daily working on whom I am each and every day. I can't begin to tell you the freedom I have been having through healing, and forgiving. As I said it is a daily trusting I am having to go through. I struggle, but I have comfort in knowing how deep the Fathers love for me is. Until next time.