Its been 7 years...

 7 years have passed since posting last. How did time go by so fast? Let me tell you grief has consumes me at times.  I have finally told my heart its okay to heal and move on, and the shock that buried me is over,the waves of grief have lessoned to little waves that have distanced where they are few and far between. But I find myself buried in the not knowing where to start, where to begin alone.  There are times I feel Paralized...This song speaks where I am at, at times (many times when I am alone in my own thoughts)

I feel so alone amd scared sometimes I feel frozen. I can't explain it. I have faith in the Lord, that has never left me, I believe in Christ 100%. I still struggle. Sometimes when I lay in my bed with thoughts looking back the regrets, the memories of things said in anger or hurt, things you wish you could take back but will never have that chance, uts haunting sometimes. Forgiving myself is the hardest. 

Fear of being alone for the rest of my time here on earth. Feeling unworthy of a second chance at life. I am not sure how to move forward in life. I have many many many things I am grateful for, and am happy about, those are the things that get me out of bed, get me motivated. 

So many good memories my kids and I have created since Brians passing, I know if he could see us now he would smile. But my heart breaks for what he is missing out on. 

Such as our sons graduating highschool, football games, birth of our grandbabies (3 have been born since he passed) their marriages and our daughter getting married this coming Sat. So many things I am grateful for. 

But now my babies are grown up, my job of raising them is done. This was suppose to be our time we worked so hard for. Our dreams..all gone. What do I do now??? I feel worthless. Its not that I have to have someone, its that I want someone if that makes since. Were not meant to be alone.  

This post is all over the place. 

I guess I am lost...

Since Dec 2010 I am behind at posting!! (sorry all)

To my surprise I heard from a reader of my motorhome life blog: http://motorhomelife.blogspot.com/ I did not know people were still reading that blog. I left it going but assumed that  know one really reads it or even see's it. I am so thankful the Lord still uses that part of my journey to witness to others. The Lord has ways of truly touch lives by working through us. Not because we ourselves are anything. But God uses our hurts or sins, our pain and turns it around for His glory! I love that the Lord has grace and is so forgiving.
Being so long since I have posted there has been many things happen in my life.

3 of my kids are older since posting last My daughter Julionna is now 13 years old. My son Gabe is now 12 and my oldest Justen is 20 will be 21 in December. Justen is natural at art and in college is getting a 4.0. He did this one painting I must share with you

This painting is called 'Kristallnacht" Night of Broken Glass. Learn more about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kristallnacht it is an oil painting that really moves me personally. I am a avid reader of WWII and the survivors of the Holocaust. He does have it for sale, as a mom of course I want to keep it myself I have to admit. But want him to be successful so will let him sell it :) I am pretty proud of Justen. He made it to the college deans list and was approached by beta phi (will add right one later hahaha my memory is not working today)
I have been homeschooling my youngest kids. I can tell you it is harder then I ever thought it would be. Getting your own kids to keep focus and listen is so hard. They know my weaknesses and take total advantage of it! I know its best for me to teach my kids, but I am struggling badly this year! Lord help me.

Then my photography is so slow I am not sure if I will ever have my own studio. I have been practicing on other things because I am stuck at home and never see anyone to do anything. Those ways it feels like my whole life is on hold. Has to be that others are either sacrificing raising up their kids or I am just not doing something right!  In some ways it feels like a dream that will never happen. But to share here are a few things I have taken since 2010

 

Plus I am doing Project 52 (1 photo a week for 52 weeks)

There are more I did not add I had done

Anyway that is slowly but surely going..(but have been studying and learning)

Hubby and I had a wonderful time on our 18 year anniversary in March. We visited the Oregon Coast aquarium

 Since posting last I also purchased a nicer pro camera. Will be ready when its time!

Well this Sat is my 38th birthday. Nothing planned. My my plan is to have my kids around me is all I could hope for.

I have been seeing a heart doctor however, doing stress tests and such. My heart has been feeling like it is stopping. The heart doctor says it is beating extra beats. But we are still checking it all out.
Well this is about it for now..will post more often I hope!

The things that keep me busy and thinking

My Animals keep me busy, there is always a picture to take. Animals are such a big part of my personal life.
I have been working on my photography skills. I am having a blast creating works of art I hope bless others. I am just an amateur, but am passionate about it. It seems so new in my life, but never had an opprotunty until now to bring my passion for photography out until now.


This morning was a gorgeous morning for picture taking. It was just breath taking. The above picture is a beautiful seen of some fog settle on the ground. in person it was beautiful. When you live next to a river we get allot more fog, but it can be stunning to see. Everything is beautiful and just glorifies our creator.

I have also been working on the end of the year receipts for HAIN . Keeps me busy this time of year. Plus our newsletter is also needing work!

I started a sock but may take it out. I found a beautiful pattern I will try and post it on my knitting blog HERE. Plus I found some neat patterns for sheep/lambs on ravelry . I love, love that site!
Then of course Fabebook keeps me busy too. Ok I admit I am addicted :) . I can meet all my friends and family in one place. Some near and some far. Its nice to have a place to share pictures and your thoughts!
Then in church we are keeping busy with the experiencing God study. Pretty good, but very basic study.
Will post more later......

Forgiven

You know much of my life I know I have blamed myself for many things. I do not see myself as a child of God like some do. I see myself like this woman weeping for God's mercy, forgiveness and grace. I feel even though I know God died for my sins, I feel so unworthy of His forgiveness. I have hurt many with my fits of anger and my mouth has been my worst enemy. I have been on my knee's begging for forgiveness many a times. No one could put more judging on me as I have done to myself. Have you ever came to a time you fell on your face and weaped so much you couldn't even speak? I have been there, due many times because of my own hurts, by my own cause. God simply puts it on my heart "child I love you, YOU are forgiven". Jesus died on the cross for me. He paid my fine. I am not saying I purposefully go out knowing God is forgiving so go take advantage, not at all. It's that I now have even more responsibility to see that God did forgive us, being like Christ is learning to forgive not only others but myself.
Last couple days have been a real struggle, hurt has been so deep I woke up from my dead sleep this morning crying so hard I couldn't talk to tell why I was even crying. As much as I have tried to reach out, I realized many times I reach out allowing myself to be abused by those who chose not to forgive. I know this speaks for most people. I tend to be a carpet and allow others to walk on me. Its not a boyfriend, an abusive husband. Its the very people who should be even more forgiving but who end up being even more unforgiving. I am a different person then who I once was. I have grown up. There are times my mistakes are brought up over and over like puke in my face. And I am a person who takes things personal. I absorb it like a sponge to my soul. I always look at me first, meaning if someone is hurt, "how did I do it, or what did I do wrong to cause it" I many times look at self reflection first. But yesterday and today reality happened. There are some people who will never and have never forgive. I throw myself if their abuse and allow them to degrade me, hurt me, bring all the puke up. And after a good long cry this morning and some talking with my closest support team I realized GOD HAS FORGIVEN ME! Satan is a LIAR! I will not put myself at the mercy of their abuse anymore! I love the Lord with all of my soul. I am no saint by any means what so ever. But I do know God knows me, my true heart, my soul, my inner thoughts. God knows me and they apparently do not. And you know what, I do not care if they do anymore. I will pick myself up, brush myself off and walk with my head up, but not in pride but in humility seeking God in all things, in all of what I do, and in forgiveness. God is merciful! I do not deserve the abuse, I am a child of the most high God. I will keep seeking God's face, with or with out their opinion. AMEN AND AMEN

Journaling

I was reading through some of my Journals I used to write in all the time, even before my daughter Julionna was born in 1998. Anyway looking back its kind of neat. Its a history in itsself. I stopped writing when I got so busy that I put it away and eventually forgot. 4 years had passed and the other night I wrote in each Journal. Each of my kids have a personalized journal I made for them. Saying
Dear Justen,

gnjgiongjgoinmor

Love Mom

All my kids have their own. Its my love letters to them. I feel bad, so much time passed since I wrote last. Because I had so many things we went through, fun times and hard times I could have shared with them. Sometimes I wish I could turn back clocks just for times like that. But what is nice is I still have days ahead. And if I do not because non of us really know, then they will have love letters from mom. That is important for me and I hope for them. I love my kids. I also have a journal for my hubby too :)