You know much of my life I know I have blamed myself for many things. I do not see myself as a child of God like some do. I see myself like this woman weeping for God's mercy, forgiveness and grace. I feel even though I know God died for my sins, I feel so unworthy of His forgiveness. I have hurt many with my fits of anger and my mouth has been my worst enemy. I have been on my knee's begging for forgiveness many a times. No one could put more judging on me as I have done to myself. Have you ever came to a time you fell on your face and weaped so much you couldn't even speak? I have been there, due many times because of my own hurts, by my own cause. God simply puts it on my heart "child I love you, YOU are forgiven". Jesus died on the cross for me. He paid my fine. I am not saying I purposefully go out knowing God is forgiving so go take advantage, not at all. It's that I now have even more responsibility to see that God did forgive us, being like Christ is learning to forgive not only others but myself.Last couple days have been a real struggle, hurt has been so deep I woke up from my dead sleep this morning crying so hard I couldn't talk to tell why I was even crying. As much as I have tried to reach out, I realized many times I reach out allowing myself to be abused by those who chose not to forgive. I know this speaks for most people. I tend to be a carpet and allow others to walk on me. Its not a boyfriend, an abusive husband. Its the very people who should be even more forgiving but who end up being even more unforgiving. I am a different person then who I once was. I have grown up. There are times my mistakes are brought up over and over like puke in my face. And I am a person who takes things personal. I absorb it like a sponge to my soul. I always look at me first, meaning if someone is hurt, "how did I do it, or what did I do wrong to cause it" I many times look at self reflection first. But yesterday and today reality happened. There are some people who will never and have never forgive. I throw myself if their abuse and allow them to degrade me, hurt me, bring all the puke up. And after a good long cry this morning and some talking with my closest support team I realized GOD HAS FORGIVEN ME! Satan is a LIAR! I will not put myself at the mercy of their abuse anymore! I love the Lord with all of my soul. I am no saint by any means what so ever. But I do know God knows me, my true heart, my soul, my inner thoughts. God knows me and they apparently do not. And you know what, I do not care if they do anymore. I will pick myself up, brush myself off and walk with my head up, but not in pride but in humility seeking God in all things, in all of what I do, and in forgiveness. God is merciful! I do not deserve the abuse, I am a child of the most high God. I will keep seeking God's face, with or with out their opinion. AMEN AND AMEN
