Grateful

Though most of my posts are dark recently, because this is where I go to, when I just need to vent or air the darker hurts I do have a ton of things I am grateful for and I am afraid that all I am posting is not the only part of my life and or feelings. I do have more to be grateful for than hurts. I do not want the only memories of my thoughts to be the side I am working on forgiving,and working on changing.

My daughter Julionna in her wedding gown. (I am a photographer and got to take her wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Baylee (Pauls wife) I was honored to also take their wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Jozie (Gabriels wife) ♡

Me and my kids my son Gabe on left, me, my son  Paul, my daughter Julionna and my son JustenBelow is Leon by Onna. Onna holding Noel amd Leon holding Abel. Far left Jozie and Gabe, and Paul and Baylee. Justen far right.

My kids, my new daughhters, my new son in law. my grands. God gave these precious treasures to me. I will always be blessed by these gifts. They are the reason I get up, the reason I keep fighting the battle each day. I pray each of them know how much I love them.

If there is an instrument...

The Cello is the instrument that best describes my soul when I am filled with the Holy Spirit. If a soul could have a voice..it is my voice. Sorrowful, compassionate, innocent, naive, powerful, overwhelming, bold, beautiful, courageous....heartbroken.

Sometimes I cry

some songs tell where you are in your life, your soul or in your heart. This one speaks so much to my heart without my Brian in it. Though I have excepted it...but doesnt mean sometimes I cry

Its been 7 years...

 7 years have passed since posting last. How did time go by so fast? Let me tell you grief has consumes me at times.  I have finally told my heart its okay to heal and move on, and the shock that buried me is over,the waves of grief have lessoned to little waves that have distanced where they are few and far between. But I find myself buried in the not knowing where to start, where to begin alone.  There are times I feel Paralized...This song speaks where I am at, at times (many times when I am alone in my own thoughts)

I feel so alone amd scared sometimes I feel frozen. I can't explain it. I have faith in the Lord, that has never left me, I believe in Christ 100%. I still struggle. Sometimes when I lay in my bed with thoughts looking back the regrets, the memories of things said in anger or hurt, things you wish you could take back but will never have that chance, uts haunting sometimes. Forgiving myself is the hardest. 

Fear of being alone for the rest of my time here on earth. Feeling unworthy of a second chance at life. I am not sure how to move forward in life. I have many many many things I am grateful for, and am happy about, those are the things that get me out of bed, get me motivated. 

So many good memories my kids and I have created since Brians passing, I know if he could see us now he would smile. But my heart breaks for what he is missing out on. 

Such as our sons graduating highschool, football games, birth of our grandbabies (3 have been born since he passed) their marriages and our daughter getting married this coming Sat. So many things I am grateful for. 

But now my babies are grown up, my job of raising them is done. This was suppose to be our time we worked so hard for. Our dreams..all gone. What do I do now??? I feel worthless. Its not that I have to have someone, its that I want someone if that makes since. Were not meant to be alone.  

This post is all over the place. 

I guess I am lost...