When your world gets rocked... that's when God steps in

Beginning of the month our whole world got rocked..I mean in a way that every mother and father who loves their kids can hit the soul and rock your world. Our biggest fears became a reality.
One of our kids made this fear a reality and one can not explain the feeling you carry when this happens. When your child is disabled and you know the reality of the situation is devastating your not sure what will be next. Your biggest fear is that they are vulnerable and cannot function fully with out supervision as you have always been the advocate and there is nothing you can do to help or change things. What does a parent do? I got the call of this child straight to voicemail (because my silly phone does not always ring) and you could hear the sobbing and tears. My heart sunk and I started to have an anxiety attack and my chest started hurting bad after throwing up. (let me got back almost 10 days prior...

My hubby and I were helping install a wood stove for my mom. The cement walls you put behind the fire place slipped from my hubbys hands from 10 foot in the air landed straight on my chest. I would not let him take me to the hospital because I said "well if my ribs are broken they can't do anything about it right, whats the point"  I refused to go. I thought I would just get over it eventually. So back to the phone call, after the anxiety attack I started hurting badly. Brian didn't care what I said because of my heart problems he was taking me in. They thought I was having a heart attack at the ER because of the prior chest impact thought it could have caused damage to my hear because of compression. So thankfully none of that was happening. However my ribs are out of order (shifted) and my chest muscles torn. Anyway so time has went by and a week or so went by and my husband ended up being taken to hospital by ambulance to hospital he through blod clots in his lungs (which his mom has died from when he was turning 23, day before his 23rd birthday) and his sister almost died from it and father has problems from it. So thankfully his father from MO was able to talk to doctors here in Oregon and let them know right away before he even got to hospital so they would know how to treat him and he is doing wonderfully now. But stress can be horrible for the family. Anyway there are much more details I wish not to share but can tell you that our family has also seen many blessings where God has been there the whole way. Not only sparing my husbands life, mine but is opening doors we never had opened to us before that will help our disabled child.
We are excited that through all of this terror God is there to guide and hold us in this situation. Please keep praying for our family. The hard times are not over for us...but we know God is there and to me that helps comfort me and it has also made me seek God and depend on Him even more so. Life can be taken in a flash and there is no stopping it. Remember life is but a flash so forgive, let go and let God.

Times get hard sometimes

I sit here writing this looking back this past year or two and think to myself how we allow hard times to take us under and we survive them. Did we witness through them, did we stay strong, did we get weak, or are we just surviving them?

I have had so many good times, but a comparable amount of hard times.

This past week I went to a memorial of a cousin of mine, he was only 41. He lost a 3 year battle due to brain cancer, leaving behind a beautiful wife and two young children. I find it difficult to understand but know the Lord has Matt with him and this brings peace. Its knowing his children will not have their dad in their lives that breaks my heart. These children loved their dad and it breaks my heart for them.

Then right before that one of my uncles passed away. He was in his early 50's. I have so many precious memories as a child with my uncle.

Last year I found out I have heart problems, the meds that help my heart can also have side effects that can kill me so doctor is keeping me off of them as long as he can because the risks are just to high. I inherited our families heart disease problems.
Some other issues I have experienced this past summer I will be talking to doctor about this week.

There have been many hard times in between all the others. I admit I am struggling with some of the things and keep much of it buried inside, but am also trying to trust God through it.

This week my hubby got a possible blood clot and this scared me. I couldn't imagine losing him. My stress level is high with worry. I love him and feel scared something might happen to him. But praying God will see him through this.

Plus little miracle Madi has been struggling with her shunt and so worry about her.

Then my mom has been having some small strokes and this worries me.

Just one thing or another please keep my family in your prayers.

Failure: a fathers story..written by my husband in writing class

Failure: a fathers story (written in 2010)

by Brian Glynn

There was me. I was the second of three children. The one some experts call "the invisible child". Too old to need the nurturing of the youngest, but not yet old enough to need the guidance and the attention of the eldest. And there was him, my father. He was always there, but never "there". He decided to follow his life's dream of becoming a doctor at the age of 32. I vividly remember him being there; present with us, but the interactions were few, short and for the most part, forgettable. Many times I remember looking at him and he would have his face buried in a book or magazine, oblivious to what was happening around him. This scenario, played out over and over again during my childhood, though I did not think anything of it at the time would impact me repeatedly throughout my life. As I spent a great deal of time alone, I learned to do things myself and for myself. I would grow up to become a very self centered person.

Fast forward 12 years. I was sitting in a chair eating a cheeseburger and fries. He has just finished making his way across the floor and was next to my leg. With great determination he pulled himself up to standing. As I looked down I saw him staring intently at me, as if to say "Are you gonna eat all of those yourself?" His name was Justen. He was around 18 months old and was the son of my girlfriend, Mary. As I had never been in a relationship involving a child, I had centered my attention more on Justens mother than on Justen, but I did know some things about him. He was born premature and has some setbacks. His development progressed slower than other children of comparable age. He could stand with support, but showed no inclination to walk. He was not verbal at all. He could make noises, but did not repeat or say words. He has one of the sweetest dispositions of any child I had met. I handed him a fry and watched as intently inspected it. Meeting his approval he quickly put it in his mouth. and proceeded to squat back to a crawling position and continue contentedly back across the floor. I did not really know this child but my heart went out to him. As he moved away I pondered his future. How would he learn to walk? Would he be able to run?

As I sat there thinking, a memory of my father and I crept out of the shadows of my mind. It was a familiar memory that came to life when I thought of fathers and sons sharing time together. Familiar not just because it was one of my favorite memories, but also because there were so few others to choose from. We were on one of the greatest adventures of my young life. The whole family was canoeing and camping for two weeks in Minnesota. My father had taken me fishing. It was the only time I remember that happening. Though most of the trip was spent in silence, my father has selected me from the other children to take out as a fishing companion, which made the trip memorable. At first I thought it was just a fond memory resurfacing, but quickly it turned into something I had never experienced before. I had an urge to reach out to Justen in the ways I had yearned for my father to reach out to me. I wanted to pass apart of myself to him. I wanted to teach him, guide him and watch him as he grew and learned and applied himself. The raw emotion that welled up inside of me with these realizations stunned me at first. He has been in my life such a short time, I did not think that I had any real attachment with this child, yet here I was thinking about his future, and my involvement in it. "Maybe this is how my father felt, but could not express."  As I was still young, I had not made any real plans for my future at this point, but I knew one thing was for sure, that no matter how long I was in this child's life, I was determined to at least be a good role model and someone he could count on, no matter what. I was determined that no crisis in his life, be it a bruised knee or a bruised heart would escape my notice and involvement.

So over the next 6 years there were many trips to the doctor' office, local parks and  playgrounds and a sprinkling of school concerts and plays. Things were going well. I was a proud and involved father. Then the news came. Mary and I were going to have another child. Although I had Justen in my life for 6 years, this was my first experience with pregnancy and childbirth. Julionna came just as expected and I now had two children to watch over. The first year was hard with Julionna. Much to my disappointment, I found out quickly that all she needed right now was her mother. She smiled and cooed at me when I was around, but had no real need of me. I loved her with all of my heart, but we did not form a real bond until after the birth of our third child. It came as a surprise when we discovered Mary was pregnant again, three months early at 2 Ibs, 10 oz. Mary was in the hospital for three days after Gabriel was born. Every night I would lay Julionna on my chest and sleep with her there all night. During those nights, now that she was daddy's girl, I could contemplate what it was to be the father of a little girl. How I could help her to be smart, proud and independent. I knew there was nothing I would not do for this little girl. I wanted to be her hero, her role model her world. I steeled my mind and heart to being there for my children no matter what.

Gabriel was very premature. He was rushed to the NICU immediately after his birth. My heart would literally break when they would draw his blood (they did this daily). As they would prick his tiny foot, black with bruising from all of the poking and squeezing, he would wince and cry out in pain. It was so hard to endure because he had no voice yet. His lungs were developed for breathing, but not enough to create sufficient force for vocalization. We pushed and prodded doctors and nurses for two longs months trying to get our son stable so we could bring him home. All of the worrying and stress helped reinforce my commitment to mold, nourish and protected this fragile life, and the other two I had committed myself to.

Being a good father to one child is relatively easy. Two is still not very taxing mentally, emotionally or physically. Now I found myself with three independent spirits, all equally demanding of me and my affections in three completely individual and unique ways. I found myself shutting down and shutting out more and more often. I had to work harder at excelling at work to try to get noticed and compete for any promotions to help pay the way for this much expanded family. I never seemed to have any down time to decompress for myself. I started to slowly disengage from my children. I found myself saying things and making excuses that, although I did not realize it at the time, were oddly familiar. Looking into their pleading eyes I would say seemingly innocent things such as "Daddy's tired. We can color tomorrow: or "Just give me a few more minutes to finish this", for the third time when asked to play a game. Sometimes I wanted to just sit and not think about anything at all. I never realized the slow, painful path I was taking with my relationship with our children. I was not able to make the connection between my actions and those painful memories of long ago. If given the opportunity and motive, I could remember my own pain and bewilderment as I wondered why my father would not play with me, but opportunity and motive were worlds away from my current reality. When Mary's water suddenly broke 16 weeks into her pregnancy with Mariah. She had been having complications through much of this pregnancy. Mary went on bed rest, and I tried to step up and help out, but still found it hard to engage with my own children. I could find distractions and get them to play with each other, but I never seemed to play with them myself, as there was still  "so much to do around here." When Mariah was born around 21 weeks gestation, she lived a few short hours. We held her and caressed her, but knew there was nothing we could do or have done that would save her. The feelings of helplessness of watching this life you created slowly ebb and fade before your very eyes is absolutely soul crushing. Suddenly you realize all of the plans that you secretly made for this little life that you did not even realize until this moment. To be able to do nothing to stop it absolutely infuriated me. After laying Mariah to rest, I swore a personal oath to myself that I would not let that happen to another one of my children. I re-affirmed the conviction I made those many years ago watching that little boy crawl away from me with his french fry. I would be there for them, I would nurture them. Young lives are precious and fragile and our time with them may be only fleeting. There sometimes is no tomorrow. Sometimes things cannot wait until later. Sometimes there is only here and now. You never know when it is to late, so you have to live every moment you possibly can like tomorrow will never arrive. Though, when our youngest, Paul was born, I again started down the familiar path that would slowly consume my time and my mind and allow me to drift away from closeness I longed to nurture between our children and myself. Fortunately for me, my children and wife were tolerant of my self indulgent nature and able to extend to me much undeserved grace and show me the love and attention they expected from me in return.

Though I set out to have better relationships with my children than my father did with me, I have not always been successful. Because my family had been patient and forgiving, I have been allowed to "reset" my priorities several times in response to my reactions to changes in our lives. Whenever I would feel overwhelmed and start to shut down, my wife and children would reach back out to me and draw my focus back to them. Maybe this is the difference between my relationship with my father, and my relationship with my own children. This desire to be more involved with my children than my father was with me has led me to the understanding that maybe the missing element was not my fathers desire to reach out to me, but rather my fear to reach out to my father. The failing in the relationship I longed for with my father was just as much my own fault as it was his. I don't know if changing things now would make us closer than we are, but the feelings I have for my father have changed. I went through anger, to bitterness, to indifference, now to empathy, for I could not imagine a life in which my children did not demand my attention from me. What a lonely life that would be. Only the testimonies of my children, when reflecting back on their own childhood, will tell if I have been successful or not. For now their smiles, hugs and kisses as I pray with them every night will have to suffice.

Since last blog post...been awhile

Its been awhile since posting so this will be random things.....

Since posting last we went to Manzaneta, OR for our 19 year wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful time. I love the small coastal town and ocean and beaches. However it did rain almost the whole time there. We did bring our kids along so they could also enjoy time away since Brian and I had just came back from CT and MO plus all the recent struggles in our marriage before going on the business trip. They needed a little get away. Brian did a dedication as a father and husband as seen in the movie courageous so that was wonderful.

We mainly stayed in because it was so cold, windy and rainy out but we did some walking around.

beautiful Manzaneda beach 

We have also been taking drives more like we used to. We have going to the mountains, hiking some etc.. its been so wonderful spending time with my husband who has a new release on life since truly changing his life for Christ. Though the struggle of forgiveness has been hard for me he has been faithful and understanding. He writes me love letters several times a day and our marriage has never been better. I am overwhelmed with love and God's grace by giving me back the man I fell in love with but even more powerful and rich in God's love. Amazing when Christ becomes the center of my husbands life how quickly He became the center of our marriage. I am so grateful to God for restoring what was broken in this amazing man and in turn also what was broken in our marriage. I have been also having to give up bitterness and hurt I carried because of lack of trust, no communication, bitterness on both sides and hurts. I am so grateful that before our marriage could end in adultery/betrayal God took what was happening and instead of a marriage falling apart He took my husband and shook his world and in return shook mine. To God I will always be grateful. My marriage though was suffering I never wanted to imagine life with out him in it. Brian has always been the love of my life, heart and desire. So was horrified at the thought of losing him. Though I know God would have seen me through losing my husband, I am eternally grateful God stopped actions that could/would have ended our marriage. 

I do not regret how I handled this whole situation. I did learn many lessons in this struggle. I know that God will use our testimony. I was telling a Christian forum I am a member of about how much Brian reminds me of Paul in the bible. A man (Saul later named Paul) mass murdered Christians, God moved Paul when he was out on a mission to kill more Christians by blinding him and speaking to him directly. Saul was eventually named Paul and in changing his heart and walk he witnessed to man and thus many of the books you see in the new testament. Brian reminds me of him as he did not believe and at one point even said he could not wait to party in hell. I have tried (though not always doing the best at being a witness as I was young and did not always carry myself well) he was struggling with pornography and other issues. I did not approve of such behavior and so he ended up with hidden secrets which ultimately led him to another woman..though she lived to far away to actually preform the act it was a matter of time as there was plans to "meet" soon before I discovered the betrayal.. anyway there is allot in play on what happened next  to bring Brian to his knees before Christ. When he did he changed his life and heart just as Paul did when God spoke to him. Literally a whole different man. I see a man who not only talks to me differently but praises God (even singing, which he does not do or has ever done in the past) he prays and worships God. Our lives are slowly changing. He said when God delivered him all the desires of pornography was gone just like that, literally gone. No desire etc.. He said it was as if God took his black heart (tar like heart) and ripped it right out. He said he believed in God a few years prior when he asked God into his life, but didn't have a heart change, and always wondered what people meant by that. He said when he thought he was gonna lose everything he fell apart and God was able to move in and now he has a personal relationship with Him and not just the typical "repeat after me salvation"  Brian spends more time with the kids, work is less important and our marriage is better than it ever was before. I cannot begin to tell you just how much there has been a change in this man. Its truly like watching a miracle happen in front of me. Brian told me he had so much un-forgiveness  but now has been set free. 

Mount Saint Helens..taken on our business trip to Seattle, WA

Our youngest Paul took this on one of our Hikes..(no makeup, scary stuff)

Our oldest Justen graduated with a associates and now off to another college to earn his  bachelors. We are pretty proud of him! 

Anyway, 

This past Christmas my dad sent me a surprise and that was my grandfathers flag he earned when fighting in WWII. It was draped over my grandfathers casket at his funeral. My grandfather was killed by a train (while in his car) when my father was 13 I believe. I cried so hard as I was so blessed by this gift. My father did not have a father growing up most of his life, but my father was not in my life as well. So coming from a home where my father was not around led me into bitterness and more. Though I met my dad for the first time since I was like one, at the age of ll it was very hard. I only had my dad in my life for maybe 3 years all together my whole life. We luckily have written letters over the years which I cherish them, my dad and I just do not have a personal relationship far as in person. Which leads me into also into posting that I met my brother (never met him in person still however, just 1 past phone conversation and a couple letters)  by finding him on facebook. I am hoping to one day meet him. Michael my brother is my fathers first child. My dad has Michael and I only.. Michael met my dad when he was a teen. Long story there..maybe another time. 

Well that is about it for now....

Brian practicing taking pics on me our first snow of 2012

Brian

Who is Madeline Claire?

Story of Miracle Madi

My niece Ashlee had just found out the baby she was carrying had hydrocephalus ( meaning: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocephalus ) Madi's momma would have bad dreams and feelings and told the doctor she knew something was wrong. Doctor telling her everything is probably fine. Ashlee demanding for a ultrasound and finding out news that her daughter has this and may die. Getting rechecked several times they also discovered baby Madi had also had stage 3 strokes in her mothers womb. This picture taken above was taken as Ashlee had just found out, she wanted pictures just in case for her memory. The bracelet had the inscription "little angel" on it. We were all scared and from there started praying for a miracle.

Ashlee and James (Madi's dad) agreed to go to our church we were attending to be prayed over. The whole church went up front and prayed and tears were streaming. A person in the church came by to Ashlee's house and said the Lord asked him to pray specifically over Ashlee while touching her belly. We all prayed more. We were not sure if Madi would live or be born early. Ashlee faced fear of the unknown. She even had a doctor offer to do an abortion while delivering Madi almost full term. Ashlee refused and stood ground for her daughters life. Ashlee being counseled for the worst case scenario's of what to expect or not to expect. 

Madi would soon be born...

Madi was very small and fighting for her little life. She would soon proved to the the doctors she was determined to live. No swelling in her brain her whole stay in the hospital, she was sent home with her momma  when she was ready not when they expected. We would soon discover Madi was a miracle that God was going to use for His glory. All medical field was in awe at the miracle right in front of them. Many people reading about Madi on facebook and off of would soon discover this little girl was determined to touch lives, showing God in everything she did. Each growth, each noise, each movement Madi would reach lives and still is today. Madi's mom would soon discover Madi also got cerebral palsy because of the strokes she had in her momma's womb, but that does not stop this little girl. Because of the Hydrocephalus Madi would need a shunt put in her head to help the fluid drain so her brain does not swell. Madi has had over 6 brain surgeries.

Madi continues to fight for her life. Madi started to walk this last year and gets everywhere. She talks, is starting some sign language and more. Her brother James thinks the world of his sister.

He guards her and snuggles with her. God gave him a special gift just for him and I believe he knows it. Madi is a miracle. She is a girl determined to live against all odds. Today she is headed back to Portland to the childrens hospital to possibly receive another brain surgery. She will have to have these for as long as she lives and our family prays that is for many, many years until she is old and is ready to be in Jesus arms. 

Madi touches all of our lives. She has made me personally look at life differently. She runs to my arms and is hugging me so tight I just crumble with joy and laughter. She brings happiness to the lives of everyone she is around. Madi is a miracle our family is fortunate enough to behold in our lives. We can't think God enough for bringing her into our lives. Every moment she is on this earth is proof of God and the miracles He does.  When you see her smile and watch her brother coo over her you thank God right there for what He has done in your own life. Madi is a special little girl you cannot deny is a miracle. 

This is the short of her story...We love our miracle Madi. Please pray for Madi that God protects/heals her and that God would touch peoples lives by her testimony of her life.

This is our Miracle Madi.... keep praying for God's hand of protection over her life.

CT and MO trip

Brian and I went on a 10 day trip together. It was a much needed trip. Some business and some play. Here are a few pictures from the trip. We went all out enjoying one another's company. We ate steak and was served as if we were royalty. We recommend Flemings Steak House:  http://www.flemingssteakhouse.com/  it is a 5 star place you will not want to miss. The steaks are AMAZING! We also visited the Cheese Factory, delish!! http://www.thecheesecakefactory.com/ to die for! The food is top of the line as well as the cheesecake! We had a great time going downtown, seeing the HUGE courthouse. There were so many war memorials there is no way to see it all in a few short days. Plus we went to Mystic, CT where we got to see the place Julia Roberts played in the movie Mystic Pizza. Good eats! Beaches that have shells everywhere. Oregon's coasts are so rough plus so many pickers you do not see shells like we did there. The houses in CT were huge and many of them were historical homes. Just beautiful! Then we left CT and went to MO. Brian got to see much of his family there. Sean and Laura welcomed us with open arms. How I missed them. Seeing Seans son for the first time since he was a young boy was a pleasure. He is a sweetheart. I really enjoyed his company. Seans daughter Samantha was a delight to be around. I hope to see that lady in the near future!
We visited my husbands father's clinic and it was neat to see how much it looks like a home. A country style clinic that his wife designed. Karen if you ever see this, you did fabulous! It was nice to see Brian's dad doing so good. We also visited with much of the family birthday party and Brian's visiting his family get together. Nice to see so many friendly faces. I missed seeing them again. Brian's uncle and aunt Bob and Gail welcomed us as they always do with open arms and hearts. We also got to see them at their home as Brian is always invited when he visits and this always means everything to him as does me. We also got to see Brian's grandma (grannie) it was so nice to see her again. For me it had been since 2000. I got to show her pictures of the kids on my cell. Sandy and Pete Brians aunt and uncle were so kind and they also let us stay at their motel. Thank you all for that means allot to us. And seeing Brians cousin Amy and Leroy and their sons was wonderful. Amy always has such a warm smile and heart of gold. Miss seeing her and hope to in the near future. Brian also got to see his sister Heather and her husband Scott and their kids. They all seem like they are doing well. Good to see! We also got to see Brians grandpa Rex, I missed him. It was hard to be there and not see Brians grandma Noi. She was a feisty woman I adored. We miss her so very much! We also got to see good friends. A man who is like a father to me growing up. His amazing wife. I miss and love you both!

Will add family pictures we took onto my facebook.

Judgement...

My last post was a post that has caused strife and a wave of emotion for posting such pain on a public forum. When someones life feels like its falling apart by betrayal of one you love your emotions run in ways you would not expect unless you are walking in thier shoes.

There are many things I have regretted in my life. Many actions I have asked the Lord Jesus to forgive and He, the Father, has. Sometimes life has a way of grabbing us and making our rawest emotions come out in ways we are not proud of. I am guilty, guilty as charged. The people that know me, truly know me, and know I am someone who would give the clothes off my back for anyone who needed it. Anyone who knows, me truly knows me does not question my integrity or lack of. I do not mean to write these things on here to hurt others. I write on my blog to have a place to go to; to vent, to share my life, my walk, my testimony. Ye,s sometimes life brings up painful things. I have always been an open book and am not afraid to share my thoughts, my feelings, my testimony and sometimes even my pain, hurt, regret, anger, and frustrations. I am guilty of doing those things. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I do share my hurts, happiness ,compassion, fire in my belly and even tears.
My husband did do something very hurtful. Do I hide it? Bury it deep inside and never feel? Do I cry alone at home? Do I never share that part of my life because it makes others feel uncomfortable? I ask if Christ were suffering alone on the cross, and died on it with out anyone to witness, how would it be a witness of His death for our sins? I am not comparing my pain to his; of course not. But Christ knew there is a purpose of sharing. I have had so many people write me privately because I did make my hurt an open book (with my husband reading and knowing what I was doing and him agreeing with me with what I posted)  and many have written to me and told me that working our marriage out has been a huge testimony to them and how they were willing to work out theirs, as they had seen in us that there was light in a very dark place. Do I regret it? Maybe some of what I said. But if it helped touch others lives, then no I do not, not at all. I believe that when someone hides things that we feel deep in our souls, eventually darkness overshadows what God can do in it for His glory. I believe bringing the light into the depth of our souls allows God to heal us. Darkness, bitterness, pain and hurt fill in those places if we do not give it to Christ.
Through all of this my husband asked Christ into his heart and life. I have never seen a man do such a 180 degree turn in his life and in his actions as I have seen my husband do because of what he allowed to happen to our marriage.
Yes I did mention my feelings, of what I felt when I was a young fiance/bride and of the judgement I felt. I had a reason to say what I did. During my younger years I was naive, and had just gotten out of a severely abusive relationship. When we are young, we are not with knowledge (wisdom) as we are when we are with age and life experience. The journey of life is long and puts much wear on our spiritual "shoes" We cannot possibly know things with out wearing in our shoes, which requires living and experiencing life. I was very poor. I was a young mom and had been on my own (literally) from when I was 16 years old. I started with a hard hand dealt to me. Yes, it was because of my own actions and sin many times, which by the way God has used to touch lives. So do I regret my mistakes, my sin? I do, but I do not regret what happened as a result of my sins, as God gets glory and it touches peoples lives. I probably should have explained myself in my prior post. I wrote it because I genuinely felt that way. I felt that way because at one point, in a heated argument, things were said that led me to feel the judgement or state of mind that I spoke of in my last post. The comment about "being a lawyer"  was because I was called " trailer park trash".  I had never before even heard of such words and I was hurt by it. Though we were young and truly my life had moved on, like I said previously, we all say things we regret. But with the pain and hurt I was going through I guess I could say I was not sure who to trust or not trust. So in this case maybe I was unjustified, but maybe I wasn't. Noone ever apologized for saying such painful things to my face. If no apology were ever offered, would you not assume that the feelings might still be lurking inside? I ask you,"what would you feel like or think if my shoes were on your feet and people you reached out to and trusted chose a 'friend" to support over family?
My kids and myself were devastated and were just clinging onto our faith and ourselves, trying to pull something out of the wreckage of our marriage and our lives. I made my marital life public on Facebook. I regretted it at first, until later because as I mentioned earlier, of the feedback of lives being touched through our sharing of our trials. Needing to move forward in my marriage, I later removed the posts. I do have regrets of posting it where my kids could read it and were hurt, but they also saw that God is helping us work things through and that God is big enough to carry us during that time.
One has to ask themselves, "can I walk in their shoes?"  "Can I really throw the first stone?" Are you sinless and able to sit in judgement of others?
Has there ever been a time you regretted doing or saying something? Maybe things you have done wrong to others you wish you could take back?  I have many, many regrets and I have many reasons why Christ bore stripes for me, I am definitely far from perfect and could never throw stones at anyone.
One regret I have is reaching out to some people through all of this, that would never understand. I have come to realize through this that sometimes some people just won't be there for you during the darkest times in your life. They will choose to do things you don't understand. They will choose to place judgement in place of compassion, grace and mercy. People are made of all sorts, some shock you and hurt you, while others will love you and are there for you. moments like this will reveal which ones are which.

My posting this is not directed towards anyone in particular. It is a post of feelings, thoughts and vents.
I have come to realize through this life changing experience that we learn who cares, who has mercy and compassion. We learn many things about others. I did not act perfect through my heartache. But one must ask themselves, to turn the tables and imagine 20 years of marriage with someone you love deeply, to suddenly find out they are literally seeing some "other person" and would have possibly left you for them. Imagine now a sister or brother picking and supporting that "other person" over you? Turn the tables will you. Would you be in pain, feel betrayed? Though I would never wish that upon anyone, I do know to watch how we judge because life has a way of coming back to us and humbling us. Follow the path of righteousness in Christ, not self righteousness in oneself. Don't put judgement on others unless you are free of sin yourself. One never REALLY knows what they would do when faced with devastation or betrayal. We all hope we act just like Christ obviously, but sometimes we don't always act right all the time in every situation in our lives. We learn from our mistakes, and our sin. We pick ourselves up after repentance and prayer and we reach out and hold God's hand and ask Him to lead our way as sometimes we all turn our eyes off of God and do things in and for ourselves. But God is awesome! He sits and waits for us to come back to him; never leaving us during our trials and tribulations. When we come home God celebrates our return. I admit I was angry during much of my husbands betrayal in our marriage, but God is patient with us and turns that anger and hurt into love and more understanding and compassion for others. How can we ever reach out and truly be there for someone if we have never experienced it ourselves? With all things God can use our experiences and touch others with even more compassion then someone who has never been there.
I am not sorry for who I am, where I have come from. I am not sorry for who I am as a mother, wife, sister, or daughter. Sure I wish I was better at all those things, and each day I strive to do and be better. But I also know failure comes growth. Many people live in this little world showing "a fake front' and would never display their failures or share hurts in public, like with church members etc. to keep a happy face in front of others. I ask how many people have been moved by your testimony if you never share or show your real side? I have had a hard life, watching my mom get her face beaten in right in front of us. Watching a dog get beat with a hammer and killed right in front of me. Sexual abuse through much of my younger childhood and being raped on my 16th birthday led to a life of sex and the pain of allowing men to hurt me. Do I put myself in victim mode? You don't know me at all if you say yes. I share my story and how God has changed me. I share with others with no shame how God saw me through it all, how I was able to even forgive the man who took my innocence as a child and spoke at his funeral with a pure heart of forgiveness. God is awesome and can take all that hurt and pain and turn it into something beautiful and glorified. I do have regrets for sinning by using unpleasant words in a post on Facebook about the marriage problems I was facing. But I say to you, I bet something will come into your life where you will do or say something you can never take back. Remember and look back if you go through it yourself if you ever sin even in private that everything we feel in our heart is as bad as doing it in God's eyes.
 I made my hurts public, so what? I would say I made a mistake, but I cannot. As said, my kids were suffering as I was through this affair.
I talked to them about what happened and had been the entire time. Though I do not regret sharing, as many still come to me and ask for advice.