I find myself smiling sometimes when inside I am hurting. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and just letting all the pain hang out, but find myself locking it away. I know many feel like this sometimes in their lives but have learned to put on that happy face like is all okay.
I feel like sometimes just standing with my arms open at the edge and just screaming with all of my heart why God can't you hear me, why am I hurting so very much? Then reminders of things I need to be grateful for and believe you me I am and that's why I am still standing and keep fighting. Then my thoughts go to, your just being selfish and are only thinking about yourself and your pain, or there are plenty of people whom have it worse. Then I have to suck it up and bury my pain because things could always be worse. Note I am burying my pain here!
I am in constant struggle with my financial situations, marriage problems, my children and hubby having medical issues, my oldest son and his situation my heart feels like sometimes I can't take another bit of pain and then bad news comes pouring in again. I feel like I am bursting inside with pain and heartbreak. Sometimes it feels like I could walk in zombie land and would life be that bad if I disappeared would anyone even notice me being gone from this world. Sounds selfish doesn't it? Yes probably does to many out there. Where is my faith? I have it believe me that is why I am still walking, standing and existing. But I still hurt and still suffer sometimes. God knows all of this and is there for me, I know that. Believe me I know this.
I am probably putting to much of my heart on here and no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it or should hear it. Isn't that what we are taught to put a damn happy face on and pretend we are perfect and never hurt? Can't show emotion because our kids might read it or see it...probably so. Guess that makes me a horrible mother on top of it all! Like my kids never see tears in my eyes, or pain etc..believe me all the pretending we tend to do as adults our kids see it and know it. They know us, they feel it.
I can't pretend I do not feel pain, I cannot pretend to be perfect. What does that teach them anyways? Hide how you feel, so online is not the perfect place to bare my heart and feelings..so fricken what, its probably not, guess it shows my imperfections!! Guess what I am not perfect, not even close you stone throwers! If you don't like who I am guess how much I care anymore? I don't! I am sick of caring, sick and tired of always trying to please others. My testimony is here for those who have a heart to listen to it! Right now I am struggling as we all do sometime in our lives. I just happen to post but a very small glimpse of mine on here. Trust me a very small part! So take what you want, "quote" what you shall and go gossip..don't give a flying crusty anymore!
Good note however is recently in our family we had several births and more to come..yup we are a growing family. And I got to be a photographer for my beautiful niece Tabatha. I am proud to be here for my family who matter to me. I love you all so very much. You make me want to live life! I love you all so very much!
