I just want change

I have been looking at my life and am ready to change it completely. I just want to move to a small town away from all these memories. Start over again, giving me a fresh start. I am locked in this prison of memories here in this home. A home I once loved, has now become my prison. Sure its beautiful and it was a blessing to me. But now its no longer a refuge for me. To much I can no longer take.

I decided to start selling things..I mean I want to sell it all. Including this house. I am by myself with no help. 30 years worth of stuff, over 15 in this house alone. Lots to do. I need to move away. 

I will figure out a way to do this myself, to prove to myself I can. 

Its time for a change..a BIG ONE!!

I have never related more

 

This hit me Hard. Will write more in it soon.

Grateful

Though most of my posts are dark recently, because this is where I go to, when I just need to vent or air the darker hurts I do have a ton of things I am grateful for and I am afraid that all I am posting is not the only part of my life and or feelings. I do have more to be grateful for than hurts. I do not want the only memories of my thoughts to be the side I am working on forgiving,and working on changing.

My daughter Julionna in her wedding gown. (I am a photographer and got to take her wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Baylee (Pauls wife) I was honored to also take their wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Jozie (Gabriels wife) ♡

Me and my kids my son Gabe on left, me, my son  Paul, my daughter Julionna and my son JustenBelow is Leon by Onna. Onna holding Noel amd Leon holding Abel. Far left Jozie and Gabe, and Paul and Baylee. Justen far right.

My kids, my new daughhters, my new son in law. my grands. God gave these precious treasures to me. I will always be blessed by these gifts. They are the reason I get up, the reason I keep fighting the battle each day. I pray each of them know how much I love them.

If there is an instrument...

The Cello is the instrument that best describes my soul when I am filled with the Holy Spirit. If a soul could have a voice..it is my voice. Sorrowful, compassionate, innocent, naive, powerful, overwhelming, bold, beautiful, courageous....heartbroken.

Sometimes I cry

some songs tell where you are in your life, your soul or in your heart. This one speaks so much to my heart without my Brian in it. Though I have excepted it...but doesnt mean sometimes I cry

Its been 7 years...

 7 years have passed since posting last. How did time go by so fast? Let me tell you grief has consumes me at times.  I have finally told my heart its okay to heal and move on, and the shock that buried me is over,the waves of grief have lessoned to little waves that have distanced where they are few and far between. But I find myself buried in the not knowing where to start, where to begin alone.  There are times I feel Paralized...This song speaks where I am at, at times (many times when I am alone in my own thoughts)

I feel so alone amd scared sometimes I feel frozen. I can't explain it. I have faith in the Lord, that has never left me, I believe in Christ 100%. I still struggle. Sometimes when I lay in my bed with thoughts looking back the regrets, the memories of things said in anger or hurt, things you wish you could take back but will never have that chance, uts haunting sometimes. Forgiving myself is the hardest. 

Fear of being alone for the rest of my time here on earth. Feeling unworthy of a second chance at life. I am not sure how to move forward in life. I have many many many things I am grateful for, and am happy about, those are the things that get me out of bed, get me motivated. 

So many good memories my kids and I have created since Brians passing, I know if he could see us now he would smile. But my heart breaks for what he is missing out on. 

Such as our sons graduating highschool, football games, birth of our grandbabies (3 have been born since he passed) their marriages and our daughter getting married this coming Sat. So many things I am grateful for. 

But now my babies are grown up, my job of raising them is done. This was suppose to be our time we worked so hard for. Our dreams..all gone. What do I do now??? I feel worthless. Its not that I have to have someone, its that I want someone if that makes since. Were not meant to be alone.  

This post is all over the place. 

I guess I am lost...

Sudden Death

I have no right words to start this blog post since my last post of telling about my marriage, forgiveness and healing of my marriage. Oh how its hard to write this post, my whole life has completely been rocked and shattered since posting last. My husband, I can't even write this without tears so bare with me. My husband had a heart condition we were unaware of and passed away Aug 22, 2015. Apparently he had major plaque built up and his blood clotting disorder built a clot in the plaque area and it took his life. He was only 46 years old. He left behind 4 kids and myself. Our family is beyond shocked, hurt and would do anything to have him back in our lives. Here is his obituary: http://democratherald.com/news/local/obituaries/brian-patrick-glynn/article_59afed80-a0da-5442-9724-fa9891d97f61.html His memorial: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GSmid=47552591&GRid=151498773&

Our world has been rocked to the core. Planning a funeral for someone you wanted in your life forever. For someone you made future plans with, had dreams with. To know he will not be here to watch his kids get married, have grand babies, to grow old with, I cannot put into words how much my heart hurts. I can't begin to tell you how shattered my heart is, how emotions are so raw right now. How raising 4 kids who needed him in their lives. How can words explain this all when I can't even get my heart to understand? I am devastated, completely and utterly devastated. We honored my husband with full military honors (thank you all who helped make all of this happen)

Brian's army brother came from Massachusetts on behalf of all Brian's cohort brothers. I was honored. They are my family.

A few ways we honored him. Brians army brother Edd had some of the casings from the gun salute at Brians funeral engraved. The other picture is of Brians flag I have hung in my living room next to his army pictures and a picture Brian adored of a copy his grandfather Rex had hanging in his home (we found this at a local garage sale). Brian loved that pictures filled with many memories of his grandfather. I will write more...for now. Please pray for my family. I want to also thank my personal family for EVERYTHING! Helping with hugs, love, support, a shoulder, helping plan Brians funeral, and being a rock in our lives!

Life

I sit here and at times I look back and see God's merciful hand on my life and am so grateful for His love, mercy and grace. Much learning about myself has taken place these past few years. When I was the deepest in hurt and sorrow I didn't seek out God as thought I would, I was buried to much in my pain, hurt, sorrow and brokenness. I was down right angry. though my life wasn't a great reflection, my heart was truly innocent and naive. I was still innocent in my heart of hearts. I never knew the deepest hurts that betrayal can do to ones heart, soul and mind. I spent many, many of hour this past few years alone in my room, my heart shattered. Felt like my whole world was crumbling around me. I didn't trust anyone anymore. I found myself in tears crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I was depressed about what should have been, could have been and should be. I never knew this kind of pain unless one were to compare the pain of losing a child. The child inside of me had died and I knew it. My world was crumbling, all I knew came tearing down around as if an ocean had wiped out a city and all I knew was gone. There were times I weakly stood up and it didn't take much and I was back in my hiding place wishing that I no longer existed. I thought many a time if the world would be better off had I never been born, would anyone even notice if I were gone. I know it seems so self centered and looking on the outside perhaps it is, but when your in your darkest hour you question any value you have as a human being. Here is a song that truly hits the mark of what I was feeling Betrayal in a marriage was worse than one can explain it in words. I loved my husband more than words can explain, more than I can put into words. All I had was hurt, I fell apart. Though we decided to work our marriage out, and its been a long road and many tears shed, and deep pain and reaching into a place of myself to move forward. God is giving me a new light and relationship with my husband thats stronger than ever before. But this wasn't all that was to come for me in my darkest hours to have to face... My oldest son who is disabled would face a legal battle. This battle would literally rock my world. In order to prove my sons disabilities more so than they already had would mean the investigative team having to delve into my entire life. I knew all my sins and asked God for forgiveness for them, and had nothing to hide, so no problem I shared what I could remember (any remembering dates is harder than one realizes). Though I shared willingly I had no idea the depth of how far they would go to try and turn what I thought was a medical investigation but instead to try and make me look like a possible cause of why my son was born disabled. Though proven wrong, the lies, the not wanting to know why or the whole story or even my side of what happened made me feel helpless, hurt, betrayed once again. My moral ethics, judgement by many people I thought cared for me came wheezing out. I had realized that though I was forgiven by God many people are not forgiving and love opportunity to bring up things from over 20 years prior. Though I am a grown woman now, and I have changed completely from who I was as a teen mom or young mother, everything in my whole history was in question and under a microscope and it was by the people we hired to defend our son, not the other side. I knew a social history was important to my sons case, but much of it was based on false s and hearsay. I then started to lose trust in people even more so, I felt even more betrayed. I felt alone. My world was being shaken to the very core. I have made terrible choices when I was young, but having my son will never be seen in my heart or eyes as one of them. I wouldn't let anymore see him as one of them. My son was and still is a gift. I had to question myself, my heart, my hurt, pain and whom I was as a person. I had to cry out, I had to reach my center core and though I always felt in my heart I was never worthy of God's love, and always felt like the woman in the bible reaching for the garment of Christ or Mary reaching for Christ ankle like the prostitute shown in the passion of Christ. I felt even more ashamed yet again for the very sins God told me He forgave me for. I felt betrayed by many people I cared about and found that many didn't feel the same way. And also found many who I didn't think did were the ones who ended up being a rock through all of it. I still cry when I write this reflecting back. Then when things weren't hard enough my husband whom I have been working through all of this pain with ended up being sent to emergency for blood clotting problems, he had going to his lungs. That is where my weakness yet strength combined. I thought I might lose him and I was so terrified. Thankfully he is okay now, but when I thought I was going to lose him I can't explain the depth of fear I felt. At the beginning of this year I ended up having a mild heart attack. I was having anxiety and some other health issues myself I knew it was time to let go and let God. This past year when I finally started to work on myself and make myself get out of bed, or out of the house (though I did several times but with a fake smile holding in my ugly cry hurts) I decided it was time to finally stand up and stand on God's forgiveness and give all of my hurts to Him..this song came at the right time and is perfect and in the right timing Though much of this I am still having to bring to God, and reassure my heart. I found I was weaker than I thought yet stronger than I could ever imagine. I found that when God says to follow Him not the world He means it for a reason. I found that TRUE love is in God and God alone. And forgiveness 70x7 is harder than one might think, but when you at least try its easier than you realize and your set free and no more carrying the burden of un forgiveness. I was set free...I gave God each burden and I feel God will deal with those who hurt others, and its not up to me to worry about it. I can't live my life worried what others think of me, in the end God knows my inner core and all that matters is what God thinks. My life is my testimony, what I have been through, go through and will go through. Only God knows the steps I have taken and knows my heart through it. I am not ashamed anymore..but will use my life to glorify Christ. I am not saying I will not fall, or will stumble or make mistakes, what I am saying is God He will help lift me up, He will help guide me, He will give me strength and He will love me unconditionally.. This song is a powerful Hymn that if you google you can find out the history of this song which puts even deeper meaning in the words you hear.. It is well with my soul So my message is this. I have learned to be stronger, learned to become a new woman, though my innocence is gone from my childhood, God can build a new innocence in me. An innocence that is richer, deeper and stronger. I am daily working on whom I am each and every day. I can't begin to tell you the freedom I have been having through healing, and forgiving. As I said it is a daily trusting I am having to go through. I struggle, but I have comfort in knowing how deep the Fathers love for me is. Until next time.

Putting on a strong face when falling apart..

I find myself smiling sometimes when inside I am hurting. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and just letting all the pain hang out, but find myself locking it away. I know many feel like this sometimes in their lives but have learned to put on that happy face like is all okay.
I feel like sometimes just standing with my arms open at the edge and just screaming with all of my heart why God can't you hear me, why am I hurting so very much? Then reminders of things I need to be grateful for and believe you me I am and that's why I am still standing and keep fighting. Then my thoughts go to, your just being selfish and are only thinking about yourself and your pain, or there are plenty of people whom have it worse. Then I have to suck it up and bury my pain because things could always be worse. Note I am burying my pain here!
I am in constant struggle with my financial situations, marriage problems, my children and hubby having medical issues, my oldest son and his situation my heart feels like sometimes I can't take another bit of pain and then bad news comes pouring in again. I feel like I am bursting inside with pain and heartbreak. Sometimes it feels like I could walk in zombie land and would life be that bad if I disappeared would anyone even notice me being gone from this world. Sounds selfish doesn't it? Yes probably does to many out there. Where is my faith? I have it believe me that is why I am still walking, standing and existing. But I still hurt and still suffer sometimes. God knows all of this and is there for me, I know that. Believe me I know this.
I am probably putting to much of my heart on here and no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it or should hear it. Isn't that what we are taught to put a damn happy face on and pretend we are perfect and never hurt? Can't show emotion because our kids might read it or see it...probably so. Guess that makes me a horrible mother on top of it all! Like my kids never see tears in my eyes, or pain etc..believe me all the pretending we tend to do as adults our kids see it and know it. They know us, they feel it.
I can't pretend I do not feel pain, I cannot pretend to be perfect. What does that teach them anyways? Hide how you feel, so online is not the perfect place to bare my heart and feelings..so fricken what, its probably not, guess it shows my imperfections!! Guess what I am not perfect, not even close you stone throwers! If you don't like who I am guess how much I care anymore? I don't! I am sick of caring, sick and tired of always trying to please others. My testimony is here for those who have a heart to listen to it! Right now I am struggling as we all do sometime in our lives. I just happen to post but a very small glimpse of mine on here. Trust me a very small part! So take what you want, "quote" what you shall and go gossip..don't give a flying crusty anymore!

Good note however is recently in our family we had several births and more to come..yup we are a growing family. And I got to be a photographer for my beautiful niece Tabatha. I am proud to be here for my family who matter to me. I love you all so very much. You make me want to live life! I love you all so very much!

When your world gets rocked... that's when God steps in

Beginning of the month our whole world got rocked..I mean in a way that every mother and father who loves their kids can hit the soul and rock your world. Our biggest fears became a reality.
One of our kids made this fear a reality and one can not explain the feeling you carry when this happens. When your child is disabled and you know the reality of the situation is devastating your not sure what will be next. Your biggest fear is that they are vulnerable and cannot function fully with out supervision as you have always been the advocate and there is nothing you can do to help or change things. What does a parent do? I got the call of this child straight to voicemail (because my silly phone does not always ring) and you could hear the sobbing and tears. My heart sunk and I started to have an anxiety attack and my chest started hurting bad after throwing up. (let me got back almost 10 days prior...

My hubby and I were helping install a wood stove for my mom. The cement walls you put behind the fire place slipped from my hubbys hands from 10 foot in the air landed straight on my chest. I would not let him take me to the hospital because I said "well if my ribs are broken they can't do anything about it right, whats the point"  I refused to go. I thought I would just get over it eventually. So back to the phone call, after the anxiety attack I started hurting badly. Brian didn't care what I said because of my heart problems he was taking me in. They thought I was having a heart attack at the ER because of the prior chest impact thought it could have caused damage to my hear because of compression. So thankfully none of that was happening. However my ribs are out of order (shifted) and my chest muscles torn. Anyway so time has went by and a week or so went by and my husband ended up being taken to hospital by ambulance to hospital he through blod clots in his lungs (which his mom has died from when he was turning 23, day before his 23rd birthday) and his sister almost died from it and father has problems from it. So thankfully his father from MO was able to talk to doctors here in Oregon and let them know right away before he even got to hospital so they would know how to treat him and he is doing wonderfully now. But stress can be horrible for the family. Anyway there are much more details I wish not to share but can tell you that our family has also seen many blessings where God has been there the whole way. Not only sparing my husbands life, mine but is opening doors we never had opened to us before that will help our disabled child.
We are excited that through all of this terror God is there to guide and hold us in this situation. Please keep praying for our family. The hard times are not over for us...but we know God is there and to me that helps comfort me and it has also made me seek God and depend on Him even more so. Life can be taken in a flash and there is no stopping it. Remember life is but a flash so forgive, let go and let God.

Times get hard sometimes

I sit here writing this looking back this past year or two and think to myself how we allow hard times to take us under and we survive them. Did we witness through them, did we stay strong, did we get weak, or are we just surviving them?

I have had so many good times, but a comparable amount of hard times.

This past week I went to a memorial of a cousin of mine, he was only 41. He lost a 3 year battle due to brain cancer, leaving behind a beautiful wife and two young children. I find it difficult to understand but know the Lord has Matt with him and this brings peace. Its knowing his children will not have their dad in their lives that breaks my heart. These children loved their dad and it breaks my heart for them.

Then right before that one of my uncles passed away. He was in his early 50's. I have so many precious memories as a child with my uncle.

Last year I found out I have heart problems, the meds that help my heart can also have side effects that can kill me so doctor is keeping me off of them as long as he can because the risks are just to high. I inherited our families heart disease problems.
Some other issues I have experienced this past summer I will be talking to doctor about this week.

There have been many hard times in between all the others. I admit I am struggling with some of the things and keep much of it buried inside, but am also trying to trust God through it.

This week my hubby got a possible blood clot and this scared me. I couldn't imagine losing him. My stress level is high with worry. I love him and feel scared something might happen to him. But praying God will see him through this.

Plus little miracle Madi has been struggling with her shunt and so worry about her.

Then my mom has been having some small strokes and this worries me.

Just one thing or another please keep my family in your prayers.

Failure: a fathers story..written by my husband in writing class

Failure: a fathers story (written in 2010)

by Brian Glynn

There was me. I was the second of three children. The one some experts call "the invisible child". Too old to need the nurturing of the youngest, but not yet old enough to need the guidance and the attention of the eldest. And there was him, my father. He was always there, but never "there". He decided to follow his life's dream of becoming a doctor at the age of 32. I vividly remember him being there; present with us, but the interactions were few, short and for the most part, forgettable. Many times I remember looking at him and he would have his face buried in a book or magazine, oblivious to what was happening around him. This scenario, played out over and over again during my childhood, though I did not think anything of it at the time would impact me repeatedly throughout my life. As I spent a great deal of time alone, I learned to do things myself and for myself. I would grow up to become a very self centered person.

Fast forward 12 years. I was sitting in a chair eating a cheeseburger and fries. He has just finished making his way across the floor and was next to my leg. With great determination he pulled himself up to standing. As I looked down I saw him staring intently at me, as if to say "Are you gonna eat all of those yourself?" His name was Justen. He was around 18 months old and was the son of my girlfriend, Mary. As I had never been in a relationship involving a child, I had centered my attention more on Justens mother than on Justen, but I did know some things about him. He was born premature and has some setbacks. His development progressed slower than other children of comparable age. He could stand with support, but showed no inclination to walk. He was not verbal at all. He could make noises, but did not repeat or say words. He has one of the sweetest dispositions of any child I had met. I handed him a fry and watched as intently inspected it. Meeting his approval he quickly put it in his mouth. and proceeded to squat back to a crawling position and continue contentedly back across the floor. I did not really know this child but my heart went out to him. As he moved away I pondered his future. How would he learn to walk? Would he be able to run?

As I sat there thinking, a memory of my father and I crept out of the shadows of my mind. It was a familiar memory that came to life when I thought of fathers and sons sharing time together. Familiar not just because it was one of my favorite memories, but also because there were so few others to choose from. We were on one of the greatest adventures of my young life. The whole family was canoeing and camping for two weeks in Minnesota. My father had taken me fishing. It was the only time I remember that happening. Though most of the trip was spent in silence, my father has selected me from the other children to take out as a fishing companion, which made the trip memorable. At first I thought it was just a fond memory resurfacing, but quickly it turned into something I had never experienced before. I had an urge to reach out to Justen in the ways I had yearned for my father to reach out to me. I wanted to pass apart of myself to him. I wanted to teach him, guide him and watch him as he grew and learned and applied himself. The raw emotion that welled up inside of me with these realizations stunned me at first. He has been in my life such a short time, I did not think that I had any real attachment with this child, yet here I was thinking about his future, and my involvement in it. "Maybe this is how my father felt, but could not express."  As I was still young, I had not made any real plans for my future at this point, but I knew one thing was for sure, that no matter how long I was in this child's life, I was determined to at least be a good role model and someone he could count on, no matter what. I was determined that no crisis in his life, be it a bruised knee or a bruised heart would escape my notice and involvement.

So over the next 6 years there were many trips to the doctor' office, local parks and  playgrounds and a sprinkling of school concerts and plays. Things were going well. I was a proud and involved father. Then the news came. Mary and I were going to have another child. Although I had Justen in my life for 6 years, this was my first experience with pregnancy and childbirth. Julionna came just as expected and I now had two children to watch over. The first year was hard with Julionna. Much to my disappointment, I found out quickly that all she needed right now was her mother. She smiled and cooed at me when I was around, but had no real need of me. I loved her with all of my heart, but we did not form a real bond until after the birth of our third child. It came as a surprise when we discovered Mary was pregnant again, three months early at 2 Ibs, 10 oz. Mary was in the hospital for three days after Gabriel was born. Every night I would lay Julionna on my chest and sleep with her there all night. During those nights, now that she was daddy's girl, I could contemplate what it was to be the father of a little girl. How I could help her to be smart, proud and independent. I knew there was nothing I would not do for this little girl. I wanted to be her hero, her role model her world. I steeled my mind and heart to being there for my children no matter what.

Gabriel was very premature. He was rushed to the NICU immediately after his birth. My heart would literally break when they would draw his blood (they did this daily). As they would prick his tiny foot, black with bruising from all of the poking and squeezing, he would wince and cry out in pain. It was so hard to endure because he had no voice yet. His lungs were developed for breathing, but not enough to create sufficient force for vocalization. We pushed and prodded doctors and nurses for two longs months trying to get our son stable so we could bring him home. All of the worrying and stress helped reinforce my commitment to mold, nourish and protected this fragile life, and the other two I had committed myself to.

Being a good father to one child is relatively easy. Two is still not very taxing mentally, emotionally or physically. Now I found myself with three independent spirits, all equally demanding of me and my affections in three completely individual and unique ways. I found myself shutting down and shutting out more and more often. I had to work harder at excelling at work to try to get noticed and compete for any promotions to help pay the way for this much expanded family. I never seemed to have any down time to decompress for myself. I started to slowly disengage from my children. I found myself saying things and making excuses that, although I did not realize it at the time, were oddly familiar. Looking into their pleading eyes I would say seemingly innocent things such as "Daddy's tired. We can color tomorrow: or "Just give me a few more minutes to finish this", for the third time when asked to play a game. Sometimes I wanted to just sit and not think about anything at all. I never realized the slow, painful path I was taking with my relationship with our children. I was not able to make the connection between my actions and those painful memories of long ago. If given the opportunity and motive, I could remember my own pain and bewilderment as I wondered why my father would not play with me, but opportunity and motive were worlds away from my current reality. When Mary's water suddenly broke 16 weeks into her pregnancy with Mariah. She had been having complications through much of this pregnancy. Mary went on bed rest, and I tried to step up and help out, but still found it hard to engage with my own children. I could find distractions and get them to play with each other, but I never seemed to play with them myself, as there was still  "so much to do around here." When Mariah was born around 21 weeks gestation, she lived a few short hours. We held her and caressed her, but knew there was nothing we could do or have done that would save her. The feelings of helplessness of watching this life you created slowly ebb and fade before your very eyes is absolutely soul crushing. Suddenly you realize all of the plans that you secretly made for this little life that you did not even realize until this moment. To be able to do nothing to stop it absolutely infuriated me. After laying Mariah to rest, I swore a personal oath to myself that I would not let that happen to another one of my children. I re-affirmed the conviction I made those many years ago watching that little boy crawl away from me with his french fry. I would be there for them, I would nurture them. Young lives are precious and fragile and our time with them may be only fleeting. There sometimes is no tomorrow. Sometimes things cannot wait until later. Sometimes there is only here and now. You never know when it is to late, so you have to live every moment you possibly can like tomorrow will never arrive. Though, when our youngest, Paul was born, I again started down the familiar path that would slowly consume my time and my mind and allow me to drift away from closeness I longed to nurture between our children and myself. Fortunately for me, my children and wife were tolerant of my self indulgent nature and able to extend to me much undeserved grace and show me the love and attention they expected from me in return.

Though I set out to have better relationships with my children than my father did with me, I have not always been successful. Because my family had been patient and forgiving, I have been allowed to "reset" my priorities several times in response to my reactions to changes in our lives. Whenever I would feel overwhelmed and start to shut down, my wife and children would reach back out to me and draw my focus back to them. Maybe this is the difference between my relationship with my father, and my relationship with my own children. This desire to be more involved with my children than my father was with me has led me to the understanding that maybe the missing element was not my fathers desire to reach out to me, but rather my fear to reach out to my father. The failing in the relationship I longed for with my father was just as much my own fault as it was his. I don't know if changing things now would make us closer than we are, but the feelings I have for my father have changed. I went through anger, to bitterness, to indifference, now to empathy, for I could not imagine a life in which my children did not demand my attention from me. What a lonely life that would be. Only the testimonies of my children, when reflecting back on their own childhood, will tell if I have been successful or not. For now their smiles, hugs and kisses as I pray with them every night will have to suffice.

Since last blog post...been awhile

Its been awhile since posting so this will be random things.....

Since posting last we went to Manzaneta, OR for our 19 year wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful time. I love the small coastal town and ocean and beaches. However it did rain almost the whole time there. We did bring our kids along so they could also enjoy time away since Brian and I had just came back from CT and MO plus all the recent struggles in our marriage before going on the business trip. They needed a little get away. Brian did a dedication as a father and husband as seen in the movie courageous so that was wonderful.

We mainly stayed in because it was so cold, windy and rainy out but we did some walking around.

beautiful Manzaneda beach 

We have also been taking drives more like we used to. We have going to the mountains, hiking some etc.. its been so wonderful spending time with my husband who has a new release on life since truly changing his life for Christ. Though the struggle of forgiveness has been hard for me he has been faithful and understanding. He writes me love letters several times a day and our marriage has never been better. I am overwhelmed with love and God's grace by giving me back the man I fell in love with but even more powerful and rich in God's love. Amazing when Christ becomes the center of my husbands life how quickly He became the center of our marriage. I am so grateful to God for restoring what was broken in this amazing man and in turn also what was broken in our marriage. I have been also having to give up bitterness and hurt I carried because of lack of trust, no communication, bitterness on both sides and hurts. I am so grateful that before our marriage could end in adultery/betrayal God took what was happening and instead of a marriage falling apart He took my husband and shook his world and in return shook mine. To God I will always be grateful. My marriage though was suffering I never wanted to imagine life with out him in it. Brian has always been the love of my life, heart and desire. So was horrified at the thought of losing him. Though I know God would have seen me through losing my husband, I am eternally grateful God stopped actions that could/would have ended our marriage. 

I do not regret how I handled this whole situation. I did learn many lessons in this struggle. I know that God will use our testimony. I was telling a Christian forum I am a member of about how much Brian reminds me of Paul in the bible. A man (Saul later named Paul) mass murdered Christians, God moved Paul when he was out on a mission to kill more Christians by blinding him and speaking to him directly. Saul was eventually named Paul and in changing his heart and walk he witnessed to man and thus many of the books you see in the new testament. Brian reminds me of him as he did not believe and at one point even said he could not wait to party in hell. I have tried (though not always doing the best at being a witness as I was young and did not always carry myself well) he was struggling with pornography and other issues. I did not approve of such behavior and so he ended up with hidden secrets which ultimately led him to another woman..though she lived to far away to actually preform the act it was a matter of time as there was plans to "meet" soon before I discovered the betrayal.. anyway there is allot in play on what happened next  to bring Brian to his knees before Christ. When he did he changed his life and heart just as Paul did when God spoke to him. Literally a whole different man. I see a man who not only talks to me differently but praises God (even singing, which he does not do or has ever done in the past) he prays and worships God. Our lives are slowly changing. He said when God delivered him all the desires of pornography was gone just like that, literally gone. No desire etc.. He said it was as if God took his black heart (tar like heart) and ripped it right out. He said he believed in God a few years prior when he asked God into his life, but didn't have a heart change, and always wondered what people meant by that. He said when he thought he was gonna lose everything he fell apart and God was able to move in and now he has a personal relationship with Him and not just the typical "repeat after me salvation"  Brian spends more time with the kids, work is less important and our marriage is better than it ever was before. I cannot begin to tell you just how much there has been a change in this man. Its truly like watching a miracle happen in front of me. Brian told me he had so much un-forgiveness  but now has been set free. 

Mount Saint Helens..taken on our business trip to Seattle, WA

Our youngest Paul took this on one of our Hikes..(no makeup, scary stuff)

Our oldest Justen graduated with a associates and now off to another college to earn his  bachelors. We are pretty proud of him! 

Anyway, 

This past Christmas my dad sent me a surprise and that was my grandfathers flag he earned when fighting in WWII. It was draped over my grandfathers casket at his funeral. My grandfather was killed by a train (while in his car) when my father was 13 I believe. I cried so hard as I was so blessed by this gift. My father did not have a father growing up most of his life, but my father was not in my life as well. So coming from a home where my father was not around led me into bitterness and more. Though I met my dad for the first time since I was like one, at the age of ll it was very hard. I only had my dad in my life for maybe 3 years all together my whole life. We luckily have written letters over the years which I cherish them, my dad and I just do not have a personal relationship far as in person. Which leads me into also into posting that I met my brother (never met him in person still however, just 1 past phone conversation and a couple letters)  by finding him on facebook. I am hoping to one day meet him. Michael my brother is my fathers first child. My dad has Michael and I only.. Michael met my dad when he was a teen. Long story there..maybe another time. 

Well that is about it for now....

Brian practicing taking pics on me our first snow of 2012

Brian

Who is Madeline Claire?

Story of Miracle Madi

My niece Ashlee had just found out the baby she was carrying had hydrocephalus ( meaning: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocephalus ) Madi's momma would have bad dreams and feelings and told the doctor she knew something was wrong. Doctor telling her everything is probably fine. Ashlee demanding for a ultrasound and finding out news that her daughter has this and may die. Getting rechecked several times they also discovered baby Madi had also had stage 3 strokes in her mothers womb. This picture taken above was taken as Ashlee had just found out, she wanted pictures just in case for her memory. The bracelet had the inscription "little angel" on it. We were all scared and from there started praying for a miracle.

Ashlee and James (Madi's dad) agreed to go to our church we were attending to be prayed over. The whole church went up front and prayed and tears were streaming. A person in the church came by to Ashlee's house and said the Lord asked him to pray specifically over Ashlee while touching her belly. We all prayed more. We were not sure if Madi would live or be born early. Ashlee faced fear of the unknown. She even had a doctor offer to do an abortion while delivering Madi almost full term. Ashlee refused and stood ground for her daughters life. Ashlee being counseled for the worst case scenario's of what to expect or not to expect. 

Madi would soon be born...

Madi was very small and fighting for her little life. She would soon proved to the the doctors she was determined to live. No swelling in her brain her whole stay in the hospital, she was sent home with her momma  when she was ready not when they expected. We would soon discover Madi was a miracle that God was going to use for His glory. All medical field was in awe at the miracle right in front of them. Many people reading about Madi on facebook and off of would soon discover this little girl was determined to touch lives, showing God in everything she did. Each growth, each noise, each movement Madi would reach lives and still is today. Madi's mom would soon discover Madi also got cerebral palsy because of the strokes she had in her momma's womb, but that does not stop this little girl. Because of the Hydrocephalus Madi would need a shunt put in her head to help the fluid drain so her brain does not swell. Madi has had over 6 brain surgeries.

Madi continues to fight for her life. Madi started to walk this last year and gets everywhere. She talks, is starting some sign language and more. Her brother James thinks the world of his sister.

He guards her and snuggles with her. God gave him a special gift just for him and I believe he knows it. Madi is a miracle. She is a girl determined to live against all odds. Today she is headed back to Portland to the childrens hospital to possibly receive another brain surgery. She will have to have these for as long as she lives and our family prays that is for many, many years until she is old and is ready to be in Jesus arms. 

Madi touches all of our lives. She has made me personally look at life differently. She runs to my arms and is hugging me so tight I just crumble with joy and laughter. She brings happiness to the lives of everyone she is around. Madi is a miracle our family is fortunate enough to behold in our lives. We can't think God enough for bringing her into our lives. Every moment she is on this earth is proof of God and the miracles He does.  When you see her smile and watch her brother coo over her you thank God right there for what He has done in your own life. Madi is a special little girl you cannot deny is a miracle. 

This is the short of her story...We love our miracle Madi. Please pray for Madi that God protects/heals her and that God would touch peoples lives by her testimony of her life.

This is our Miracle Madi.... keep praying for God's hand of protection over her life.

CT and MO trip

Brian and I went on a 10 day trip together. It was a much needed trip. Some business and some play. Here are a few pictures from the trip. We went all out enjoying one another's company. We ate steak and was served as if we were royalty. We recommend Flemings Steak House:  http://www.flemingssteakhouse.com/  it is a 5 star place you will not want to miss. The steaks are AMAZING! We also visited the Cheese Factory, delish!! http://www.thecheesecakefactory.com/ to die for! The food is top of the line as well as the cheesecake! We had a great time going downtown, seeing the HUGE courthouse. There were so many war memorials there is no way to see it all in a few short days. Plus we went to Mystic, CT where we got to see the place Julia Roberts played in the movie Mystic Pizza. Good eats! Beaches that have shells everywhere. Oregon's coasts are so rough plus so many pickers you do not see shells like we did there. The houses in CT were huge and many of them were historical homes. Just beautiful! Then we left CT and went to MO. Brian got to see much of his family there. Sean and Laura welcomed us with open arms. How I missed them. Seeing Seans son for the first time since he was a young boy was a pleasure. He is a sweetheart. I really enjoyed his company. Seans daughter Samantha was a delight to be around. I hope to see that lady in the near future!
We visited my husbands father's clinic and it was neat to see how much it looks like a home. A country style clinic that his wife designed. Karen if you ever see this, you did fabulous! It was nice to see Brian's dad doing so good. We also visited with much of the family birthday party and Brian's visiting his family get together. Nice to see so many friendly faces. I missed seeing them again. Brian's uncle and aunt Bob and Gail welcomed us as they always do with open arms and hearts. We also got to see them at their home as Brian is always invited when he visits and this always means everything to him as does me. We also got to see Brian's grandma (grannie) it was so nice to see her again. For me it had been since 2000. I got to show her pictures of the kids on my cell. Sandy and Pete Brians aunt and uncle were so kind and they also let us stay at their motel. Thank you all for that means allot to us. And seeing Brians cousin Amy and Leroy and their sons was wonderful. Amy always has such a warm smile and heart of gold. Miss seeing her and hope to in the near future. Brian also got to see his sister Heather and her husband Scott and their kids. They all seem like they are doing well. Good to see! We also got to see Brians grandpa Rex, I missed him. It was hard to be there and not see Brians grandma Noi. She was a feisty woman I adored. We miss her so very much! We also got to see good friends. A man who is like a father to me growing up. His amazing wife. I miss and love you both!

Will add family pictures we took onto my facebook.

Judgement...

My last post was a post that has caused strife and a wave of emotion for posting such pain on a public forum. When someones life feels like its falling apart by betrayal of one you love your emotions run in ways you would not expect unless you are walking in thier shoes.

There are many things I have regretted in my life. Many actions I have asked the Lord Jesus to forgive and He, the Father, has. Sometimes life has a way of grabbing us and making our rawest emotions come out in ways we are not proud of. I am guilty, guilty as charged. The people that know me, truly know me, and know I am someone who would give the clothes off my back for anyone who needed it. Anyone who knows, me truly knows me does not question my integrity or lack of. I do not mean to write these things on here to hurt others. I write on my blog to have a place to go to; to vent, to share my life, my walk, my testimony. Ye,s sometimes life brings up painful things. I have always been an open book and am not afraid to share my thoughts, my feelings, my testimony and sometimes even my pain, hurt, regret, anger, and frustrations. I am guilty of doing those things. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I do share my hurts, happiness ,compassion, fire in my belly and even tears.
My husband did do something very hurtful. Do I hide it? Bury it deep inside and never feel? Do I cry alone at home? Do I never share that part of my life because it makes others feel uncomfortable? I ask if Christ were suffering alone on the cross, and died on it with out anyone to witness, how would it be a witness of His death for our sins? I am not comparing my pain to his; of course not. But Christ knew there is a purpose of sharing. I have had so many people write me privately because I did make my hurt an open book (with my husband reading and knowing what I was doing and him agreeing with me with what I posted)  and many have written to me and told me that working our marriage out has been a huge testimony to them and how they were willing to work out theirs, as they had seen in us that there was light in a very dark place. Do I regret it? Maybe some of what I said. But if it helped touch others lives, then no I do not, not at all. I believe that when someone hides things that we feel deep in our souls, eventually darkness overshadows what God can do in it for His glory. I believe bringing the light into the depth of our souls allows God to heal us. Darkness, bitterness, pain and hurt fill in those places if we do not give it to Christ.
Through all of this my husband asked Christ into his heart and life. I have never seen a man do such a 180 degree turn in his life and in his actions as I have seen my husband do because of what he allowed to happen to our marriage.
Yes I did mention my feelings, of what I felt when I was a young fiance/bride and of the judgement I felt. I had a reason to say what I did. During my younger years I was naive, and had just gotten out of a severely abusive relationship. When we are young, we are not with knowledge (wisdom) as we are when we are with age and life experience. The journey of life is long and puts much wear on our spiritual "shoes" We cannot possibly know things with out wearing in our shoes, which requires living and experiencing life. I was very poor. I was a young mom and had been on my own (literally) from when I was 16 years old. I started with a hard hand dealt to me. Yes, it was because of my own actions and sin many times, which by the way God has used to touch lives. So do I regret my mistakes, my sin? I do, but I do not regret what happened as a result of my sins, as God gets glory and it touches peoples lives. I probably should have explained myself in my prior post. I wrote it because I genuinely felt that way. I felt that way because at one point, in a heated argument, things were said that led me to feel the judgement or state of mind that I spoke of in my last post. The comment about "being a lawyer"  was because I was called " trailer park trash".  I had never before even heard of such words and I was hurt by it. Though we were young and truly my life had moved on, like I said previously, we all say things we regret. But with the pain and hurt I was going through I guess I could say I was not sure who to trust or not trust. So in this case maybe I was unjustified, but maybe I wasn't. Noone ever apologized for saying such painful things to my face. If no apology were ever offered, would you not assume that the feelings might still be lurking inside? I ask you,"what would you feel like or think if my shoes were on your feet and people you reached out to and trusted chose a 'friend" to support over family?
My kids and myself were devastated and were just clinging onto our faith and ourselves, trying to pull something out of the wreckage of our marriage and our lives. I made my marital life public on Facebook. I regretted it at first, until later because as I mentioned earlier, of the feedback of lives being touched through our sharing of our trials. Needing to move forward in my marriage, I later removed the posts. I do have regrets of posting it where my kids could read it and were hurt, but they also saw that God is helping us work things through and that God is big enough to carry us during that time.
One has to ask themselves, "can I walk in their shoes?"  "Can I really throw the first stone?" Are you sinless and able to sit in judgement of others?
Has there ever been a time you regretted doing or saying something? Maybe things you have done wrong to others you wish you could take back?  I have many, many regrets and I have many reasons why Christ bore stripes for me, I am definitely far from perfect and could never throw stones at anyone.
One regret I have is reaching out to some people through all of this, that would never understand. I have come to realize through this that sometimes some people just won't be there for you during the darkest times in your life. They will choose to do things you don't understand. They will choose to place judgement in place of compassion, grace and mercy. People are made of all sorts, some shock you and hurt you, while others will love you and are there for you. moments like this will reveal which ones are which.

My posting this is not directed towards anyone in particular. It is a post of feelings, thoughts and vents.
I have come to realize through this life changing experience that we learn who cares, who has mercy and compassion. We learn many things about others. I did not act perfect through my heartache. But one must ask themselves, to turn the tables and imagine 20 years of marriage with someone you love deeply, to suddenly find out they are literally seeing some "other person" and would have possibly left you for them. Imagine now a sister or brother picking and supporting that "other person" over you? Turn the tables will you. Would you be in pain, feel betrayed? Though I would never wish that upon anyone, I do know to watch how we judge because life has a way of coming back to us and humbling us. Follow the path of righteousness in Christ, not self righteousness in oneself. Don't put judgement on others unless you are free of sin yourself. One never REALLY knows what they would do when faced with devastation or betrayal. We all hope we act just like Christ obviously, but sometimes we don't always act right all the time in every situation in our lives. We learn from our mistakes, and our sin. We pick ourselves up after repentance and prayer and we reach out and hold God's hand and ask Him to lead our way as sometimes we all turn our eyes off of God and do things in and for ourselves. But God is awesome! He sits and waits for us to come back to him; never leaving us during our trials and tribulations. When we come home God celebrates our return. I admit I was angry during much of my husbands betrayal in our marriage, but God is patient with us and turns that anger and hurt into love and more understanding and compassion for others. How can we ever reach out and truly be there for someone if we have never experienced it ourselves? With all things God can use our experiences and touch others with even more compassion then someone who has never been there.
I am not sorry for who I am, where I have come from. I am not sorry for who I am as a mother, wife, sister, or daughter. Sure I wish I was better at all those things, and each day I strive to do and be better. But I also know failure comes growth. Many people live in this little world showing "a fake front' and would never display their failures or share hurts in public, like with church members etc. to keep a happy face in front of others. I ask how many people have been moved by your testimony if you never share or show your real side? I have had a hard life, watching my mom get her face beaten in right in front of us. Watching a dog get beat with a hammer and killed right in front of me. Sexual abuse through much of my younger childhood and being raped on my 16th birthday led to a life of sex and the pain of allowing men to hurt me. Do I put myself in victim mode? You don't know me at all if you say yes. I share my story and how God has changed me. I share with others with no shame how God saw me through it all, how I was able to even forgive the man who took my innocence as a child and spoke at his funeral with a pure heart of forgiveness. God is awesome and can take all that hurt and pain and turn it into something beautiful and glorified. I do have regrets for sinning by using unpleasant words in a post on Facebook about the marriage problems I was facing. But I say to you, I bet something will come into your life where you will do or say something you can never take back. Remember and look back if you go through it yourself if you ever sin even in private that everything we feel in our heart is as bad as doing it in God's eyes.
 I made my hurts public, so what? I would say I made a mistake, but I cannot. As said, my kids were suffering as I was through this affair.
I talked to them about what happened and had been the entire time. Though I do not regret sharing, as many still come to me and ask for advice.

Family, Betrayal and forgiveness.....

Family what is the meaning of family? 

My dictionary says: Family; fam-i-ly :
1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not, 2. the spouse and their children of one person or one couple collectively. 3 the spouse and their children of one person. (just to name a few out of many meanings.

What the bible says about family: 

 GEN 12:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse Him that curseth thee: And in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

GEN 28: 14 And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth and thou shalt spread abroud to the west, and to the east and to the north and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.

Leviticus 25:10: And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: It shall be a jubile unto you; And ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family.

Deuteronomy 28:19: Cursed shall thou be when thou comest in and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out.

There are several more verses on family. The bible also talks about a husband making his wife and his children family above his own flesh and that he should cling to his wife and basically cut the cord to his family and make them family.

Many people in my life when I first met my husband have put a judgement on me before ever getting to know who I am. I was 19 years old when they met me. I was very poor and did not come from a wealthy family far as status.  I am 38 years old now. I have grown as a woman, self educating myself, I walk the walk, talk the talk. All of us grow up and all of us have made mistakes along the way. Life brings hardships, trials and tribulations that help grow us, mold us and shape us. 

I love my husband with all of my heart, I have shared deep personal things with him as every husband and wife do or have done. If he had a career I followed, if he wanted to move I followed. I have supported him and loved him no matter what. I have forgiven him for things many marriages would break over. My love for him says to fight for him and for my family unit. 

Going through trials you are forced to either stand for what you believe in or let everything fall and I am not willing to do that. Anyone who knows me truly knows me, knows once I pick myself up out of grief or hurt knows I dig my heals in and will fight harder for what she believes in. I will sacrifice my life for what I believe in period no questions asked. 

Still after all the growth I am still judged for things of my younger years, and to be honest I am not even sure what it is I have done. I have never been given the opportunity to make it right if I did do something. Its then I realize it isn't about what I ever did, said or acted like. It was my status that wasn't perfect in their eyes, I think misconceptions they have told themselves to justify hate or judgement towards me has blinded the real truths. (And with age I realize I don't really care anymore if I am liked or not, does not matter to me anymore.) 

If I had walked in with the background of being a lawyers daughter, or such I would have been automatically accepted into the unit. Matter of fact I know I would have. 

I then realized I am rich, I am rich in my faith, in God. He created me which makes me royalty as God is the King of Kings and I am a child of God.

My husband is clinging to his wife and children and it is not until recently that He is doing this. 19 years of marriage he is doing things with out me asking or telling he is standing up and saying "my wife is important to me and I will fight for her and my children". When our unit is threatened you are threatening him as well.

I was put out there in gossip in their unit as controlling, and bossy and made him do all the things he has done, making what they call wrong choices. When the truth is, much of the judgement is not based on facts at all. It was actually the opposite. I followed him, including out of state (which now is a blessing) and I followed his job decisions. I encouraged him to move ahead, take the classes and such..but that is not seen as I am private and have never told anyone. 

I have always believed in him, and have always been proud of him no matter the status, the income etc.. 

My frustration has always been that he let people walk on him.

I find myself recently under attack. My whole family unit attacked in a deep way. God has been taking this hurt and is growing an even stronger relationship, growing a stronger man, loving, honest and caring man. Most of my marriage has been with lack of honesty and communication from his part. Hardly ever words spoken. I used to cry and beg and pray hoping one day my husband would want to talk to me, care enough about me to not lie to me. But it wasn't until recently that God broke him. He brought my husband to his knees and a man is growing out of a beast. I mean I cannot begin to explain the difference. It is very real and very moving. You can feel the Holy Spirit so powerful in him its as if his face is changing. Many years of our marriage has been hard, I prayed on my knees for him, when everything was falling apart I found myself carrying the burdens and much hurt. Many tears, many many tears. Most people around me do not know things I have faced and the struggles. I am not saying I have been the perfect wife. But I have always honored my husband.

HONOR:  Honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions. Also: High respect, as for worth, merit, or rank. 

(fighting for my marriage and how I feel towards the one my husband betrayed our marriage with)

One become like a grizzly when she is faced with something that hurts or threatens to destroy her family. I did not go through all the love, pain and joy of 19 years with my husband to let anyone or anything take him or hurt our unit. When one comes to enter in and do such a thing I see it as a knife to my kids throats and to our marriage, our unit. If my kids/husband get hurt I as any parent/wife that hurts their kids/husband will be hunted  down to the ends of the earth, I will then only see an eye for an eyes type vision and will do anything to protect my own. 

Marriage is important to God as family is and messing with a marriage is a woe from God himself. Marriage is a unity God created that should not be broken. 

I have forgiven my husband for many hurts I have silently carried. And it is worth it to me. We have way to much to fight for. He is worth it!

I will not be cornered I will fight like a momma bear.

My husbands father told me once. "You know its love when you cannot think about life with out them in it" and this is very true. Life with out my family simply isn't worth living.

Just talking....