Grateful

Though most of my posts are dark recently, because this is where I go to, when I just need to vent or air the darker hurts I do have a ton of things I am grateful for and I am afraid that all I am posting is not the only part of my life and or feelings. I do have more to be grateful for than hurts. I do not want the only memories of my thoughts to be the side I am working on forgiving,and working on changing.

My daughter Julionna in her wedding gown. (I am a photographer and got to take her wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Baylee (Pauls wife) I was honored to also take their wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Jozie (Gabriels wife) ♡

Me and my kids my son Gabe on left, me, my son  Paul, my daughter Julionna and my son JustenBelow is Leon by Onna. Onna holding Noel amd Leon holding Abel. Far left Jozie and Gabe, and Paul and Baylee. Justen far right.

My kids, my new daughhters, my new son in law. my grands. God gave these precious treasures to me. I will always be blessed by these gifts. They are the reason I get up, the reason I keep fighting the battle each day. I pray each of them know how much I love them.

Who is Madeline Claire?

Story of Miracle Madi

My niece Ashlee had just found out the baby she was carrying had hydrocephalus ( meaning: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocephalus ) Madi's momma would have bad dreams and feelings and told the doctor she knew something was wrong. Doctor telling her everything is probably fine. Ashlee demanding for a ultrasound and finding out news that her daughter has this and may die. Getting rechecked several times they also discovered baby Madi had also had stage 3 strokes in her mothers womb. This picture taken above was taken as Ashlee had just found out, she wanted pictures just in case for her memory. The bracelet had the inscription "little angel" on it. We were all scared and from there started praying for a miracle.

Ashlee and James (Madi's dad) agreed to go to our church we were attending to be prayed over. The whole church went up front and prayed and tears were streaming. A person in the church came by to Ashlee's house and said the Lord asked him to pray specifically over Ashlee while touching her belly. We all prayed more. We were not sure if Madi would live or be born early. Ashlee faced fear of the unknown. She even had a doctor offer to do an abortion while delivering Madi almost full term. Ashlee refused and stood ground for her daughters life. Ashlee being counseled for the worst case scenario's of what to expect or not to expect. 

Madi would soon be born...

Madi was very small and fighting for her little life. She would soon proved to the the doctors she was determined to live. No swelling in her brain her whole stay in the hospital, she was sent home with her momma  when she was ready not when they expected. We would soon discover Madi was a miracle that God was going to use for His glory. All medical field was in awe at the miracle right in front of them. Many people reading about Madi on facebook and off of would soon discover this little girl was determined to touch lives, showing God in everything she did. Each growth, each noise, each movement Madi would reach lives and still is today. Madi's mom would soon discover Madi also got cerebral palsy because of the strokes she had in her momma's womb, but that does not stop this little girl. Because of the Hydrocephalus Madi would need a shunt put in her head to help the fluid drain so her brain does not swell. Madi has had over 6 brain surgeries.

Madi continues to fight for her life. Madi started to walk this last year and gets everywhere. She talks, is starting some sign language and more. Her brother James thinks the world of his sister.

He guards her and snuggles with her. God gave him a special gift just for him and I believe he knows it. Madi is a miracle. She is a girl determined to live against all odds. Today she is headed back to Portland to the childrens hospital to possibly receive another brain surgery. She will have to have these for as long as she lives and our family prays that is for many, many years until she is old and is ready to be in Jesus arms. 

Madi touches all of our lives. She has made me personally look at life differently. She runs to my arms and is hugging me so tight I just crumble with joy and laughter. She brings happiness to the lives of everyone she is around. Madi is a miracle our family is fortunate enough to behold in our lives. We can't think God enough for bringing her into our lives. Every moment she is on this earth is proof of God and the miracles He does.  When you see her smile and watch her brother coo over her you thank God right there for what He has done in your own life. Madi is a special little girl you cannot deny is a miracle. 

This is the short of her story...We love our miracle Madi. Please pray for Madi that God protects/heals her and that God would touch peoples lives by her testimony of her life.

This is our Miracle Madi.... keep praying for God's hand of protection over her life.

CT and MO trip

Brian and I went on a 10 day trip together. It was a much needed trip. Some business and some play. Here are a few pictures from the trip. We went all out enjoying one another's company. We ate steak and was served as if we were royalty. We recommend Flemings Steak House:  http://www.flemingssteakhouse.com/  it is a 5 star place you will not want to miss. The steaks are AMAZING! We also visited the Cheese Factory, delish!! http://www.thecheesecakefactory.com/ to die for! The food is top of the line as well as the cheesecake! We had a great time going downtown, seeing the HUGE courthouse. There were so many war memorials there is no way to see it all in a few short days. Plus we went to Mystic, CT where we got to see the place Julia Roberts played in the movie Mystic Pizza. Good eats! Beaches that have shells everywhere. Oregon's coasts are so rough plus so many pickers you do not see shells like we did there. The houses in CT were huge and many of them were historical homes. Just beautiful! Then we left CT and went to MO. Brian got to see much of his family there. Sean and Laura welcomed us with open arms. How I missed them. Seeing Seans son for the first time since he was a young boy was a pleasure. He is a sweetheart. I really enjoyed his company. Seans daughter Samantha was a delight to be around. I hope to see that lady in the near future!
We visited my husbands father's clinic and it was neat to see how much it looks like a home. A country style clinic that his wife designed. Karen if you ever see this, you did fabulous! It was nice to see Brian's dad doing so good. We also visited with much of the family birthday party and Brian's visiting his family get together. Nice to see so many friendly faces. I missed seeing them again. Brian's uncle and aunt Bob and Gail welcomed us as they always do with open arms and hearts. We also got to see them at their home as Brian is always invited when he visits and this always means everything to him as does me. We also got to see Brian's grandma (grannie) it was so nice to see her again. For me it had been since 2000. I got to show her pictures of the kids on my cell. Sandy and Pete Brians aunt and uncle were so kind and they also let us stay at their motel. Thank you all for that means allot to us. And seeing Brians cousin Amy and Leroy and their sons was wonderful. Amy always has such a warm smile and heart of gold. Miss seeing her and hope to in the near future. Brian also got to see his sister Heather and her husband Scott and their kids. They all seem like they are doing well. Good to see! We also got to see Brians grandpa Rex, I missed him. It was hard to be there and not see Brians grandma Noi. She was a feisty woman I adored. We miss her so very much! We also got to see good friends. A man who is like a father to me growing up. His amazing wife. I miss and love you both!

Will add family pictures we took onto my facebook.

Family, Betrayal and forgiveness.....

Family what is the meaning of family? 

My dictionary says: Family; fam-i-ly :
1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not, 2. the spouse and their children of one person or one couple collectively. 3 the spouse and their children of one person. (just to name a few out of many meanings.

What the bible says about family: 

 GEN 12:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse Him that curseth thee: And in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.

GEN 28: 14 And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth and thou shalt spread abroud to the west, and to the east and to the north and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.

Leviticus 25:10: And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: It shall be a jubile unto you; And ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family.

Deuteronomy 28:19: Cursed shall thou be when thou comest in and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out.

There are several more verses on family. The bible also talks about a husband making his wife and his children family above his own flesh and that he should cling to his wife and basically cut the cord to his family and make them family.

Many people in my life when I first met my husband have put a judgement on me before ever getting to know who I am. I was 19 years old when they met me. I was very poor and did not come from a wealthy family far as status.  I am 38 years old now. I have grown as a woman, self educating myself, I walk the walk, talk the talk. All of us grow up and all of us have made mistakes along the way. Life brings hardships, trials and tribulations that help grow us, mold us and shape us. 

I love my husband with all of my heart, I have shared deep personal things with him as every husband and wife do or have done. If he had a career I followed, if he wanted to move I followed. I have supported him and loved him no matter what. I have forgiven him for things many marriages would break over. My love for him says to fight for him and for my family unit. 

Going through trials you are forced to either stand for what you believe in or let everything fall and I am not willing to do that. Anyone who knows me truly knows me, knows once I pick myself up out of grief or hurt knows I dig my heals in and will fight harder for what she believes in. I will sacrifice my life for what I believe in period no questions asked. 

Still after all the growth I am still judged for things of my younger years, and to be honest I am not even sure what it is I have done. I have never been given the opportunity to make it right if I did do something. Its then I realize it isn't about what I ever did, said or acted like. It was my status that wasn't perfect in their eyes, I think misconceptions they have told themselves to justify hate or judgement towards me has blinded the real truths. (And with age I realize I don't really care anymore if I am liked or not, does not matter to me anymore.) 

If I had walked in with the background of being a lawyers daughter, or such I would have been automatically accepted into the unit. Matter of fact I know I would have. 

I then realized I am rich, I am rich in my faith, in God. He created me which makes me royalty as God is the King of Kings and I am a child of God.

My husband is clinging to his wife and children and it is not until recently that He is doing this. 19 years of marriage he is doing things with out me asking or telling he is standing up and saying "my wife is important to me and I will fight for her and my children". When our unit is threatened you are threatening him as well.

I was put out there in gossip in their unit as controlling, and bossy and made him do all the things he has done, making what they call wrong choices. When the truth is, much of the judgement is not based on facts at all. It was actually the opposite. I followed him, including out of state (which now is a blessing) and I followed his job decisions. I encouraged him to move ahead, take the classes and such..but that is not seen as I am private and have never told anyone. 

I have always believed in him, and have always been proud of him no matter the status, the income etc.. 

My frustration has always been that he let people walk on him.

I find myself recently under attack. My whole family unit attacked in a deep way. God has been taking this hurt and is growing an even stronger relationship, growing a stronger man, loving, honest and caring man. Most of my marriage has been with lack of honesty and communication from his part. Hardly ever words spoken. I used to cry and beg and pray hoping one day my husband would want to talk to me, care enough about me to not lie to me. But it wasn't until recently that God broke him. He brought my husband to his knees and a man is growing out of a beast. I mean I cannot begin to explain the difference. It is very real and very moving. You can feel the Holy Spirit so powerful in him its as if his face is changing. Many years of our marriage has been hard, I prayed on my knees for him, when everything was falling apart I found myself carrying the burdens and much hurt. Many tears, many many tears. Most people around me do not know things I have faced and the struggles. I am not saying I have been the perfect wife. But I have always honored my husband.

HONOR:  Honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions. Also: High respect, as for worth, merit, or rank. 

(fighting for my marriage and how I feel towards the one my husband betrayed our marriage with)

One become like a grizzly when she is faced with something that hurts or threatens to destroy her family. I did not go through all the love, pain and joy of 19 years with my husband to let anyone or anything take him or hurt our unit. When one comes to enter in and do such a thing I see it as a knife to my kids throats and to our marriage, our unit. If my kids/husband get hurt I as any parent/wife that hurts their kids/husband will be hunted  down to the ends of the earth, I will then only see an eye for an eyes type vision and will do anything to protect my own. 

Marriage is important to God as family is and messing with a marriage is a woe from God himself. Marriage is a unity God created that should not be broken. 

I have forgiven my husband for many hurts I have silently carried. And it is worth it to me. We have way to much to fight for. He is worth it!

I will not be cornered I will fight like a momma bear.

My husbands father told me once. "You know its love when you cannot think about life with out them in it" and this is very true. Life with out my family simply isn't worth living.

Just talking....

A miracle....and what I have been up to lately.

My miracle for me was finding my brother after years of searching for him. I am so thankful for the internet and facebook! I looked so many times and nothing. I was so scared that something terrible happened and I would never hear from him again. What a miracle! Thank you Lord for this miracle!!


Onto other things. So we had a fantastic 4th of July. Celebrating our countries independence is always awesome!
Here are a few firework photo's I took for you!

We had a wonderful time with my mom and my sister Lori. Her and her boy friend and Lori's daughter Shania came to visit. We had a barbecue. My hubby made a brisket. It was fantastic!
We have been working around our home, my hubby created a "bird vegas" its a huge place built with logs so bird feeders can be hung on it. A place for birds to gather!

We had 10 kittens to find homes for. They all went fairly quickly! Glad they got good homes. Here is one of them snuggled in my shoe. So darned cute!

Well that is about it for now!!

Forever since posting.....

I have really slacked on this particular blog. What have I been up to lately? Hum where to begin.

I have been working on the homeschooling with kids. Learning new things and ways to teach. I am working to not be weak when my kids fuss because they don't want to do something. Trying to keep up the house so it all don't fall apart around me while I am doing this. And as weird as it is, its been easier in that way.

Then there has been good and bad things going on in my life. Good is how amazing my kids and hubby are, HAIN volunteers doing a really sweet thing for me as a "random acts of kindness" gifts. Our whole family was so blessed by their gifts. I do not deserve such wonderful and kindness such as them. They are a true God sent.
My mom she has been just pouring her love on us and this has been a hard year for her. But God is really giving us a peace in Christmas this year. I decided this year I was going to celebrate even if we have nothing. We have one another and that is all that matters! Period. Besides we do have much more then many people in countries I can't complain.

Bad is not worth mentioning and getting myself all worked up over!


In schooling I have been reading some out of a book every school day. The first book was good. I caught myself weeping in front of the kids "Summer of Monkeys". The last book was "I am Rosemarie" it was about a girl who survived the Holocaust. And this new book is "Kavik" the wolf dog. All are good reads. My kids have really enjoyed reading time.

Brian had taken thanksgiving off/ And that week he had off there was a beautiful snow that came down!

Animals were thrilled by that as you can see in picture.
We also decorated our tree and put up the manger scene and Christmas village

We even strung popcorn for the tree. We made allot of homemade Christmas ornaments.

Our tree def has character

That's about it for now.

Oh yeah we also found a nice home for our goats. They were starting to ruin the neighbors property we are using
The family who got them are amazing and doing great. They are a FHA family. So that worked out great!

Family

Family is so important. With out family there is nothing. Family is a word that doesn't seem to have the glue that kept you together. Seems the family unit is falling apart piece by piece. When I think of my own family, my close family I think of the laughter, the fun times, the risky times and the all out love we have for one another. I hate seeing my family struggle, I hate seeing struggles I can't fix. Honestly it breaks my heart when there is strife. It makes me sad when there is any kind of fight or disagreement. I never want to take sides. Always want to love and get along. Families sometimes do fight however and many times the bond grows even stronger in the end.
My mom always said to us growing up "treat one another as if it was your last day on earth because you never know your time and how short it is" and boy that was hard to grasp onto when you couldn't stand the other ones face (laugh out loud). But its so true what mom said so many times, so many years ago. What if something terrible were to happen and we were to never see that person again? Would the little things we fight about matter while seeing them in their casket? Would those hurtful words, or evil stares, or delete option buttons be what you would want to be between you if that was the last thing you had between you and that loved one lay in his/her casket? Think about your answer for just a minute with your heart.
I have personally had some heartbreaking things happen in my life with my own family. But I walked away with one thing and that is give it to God, pray for them and look at them how God sees them (as His child) because that is how God see's us.
Each of us are guilty, each one at fault. I am at fault and guilty. The Lord is working on my every day that I breath. I never want anyone to look at me lay in my casket and would rather never see me alive. I want to leave a legacy, a blessing behind. I want to know when its my time that I left a legacy of love, compassion and laughter. A legacy of love for family and God (not in that order).
Family is most important!!

Visiting the Coast

Our family does not very often go on a family vacation. But this year we finally did. We spent 3 days and 2 nights in Manzeneda, OR  right on the coast. it was beautiful!! We had a blast. We got to witness a beautiful sunset (as seen in the 3rd picture) I literally took over 500 images. There are so many pretty images. God's creation is magnificent! Brian and I took a stroll around town, there was music and on the porch of one of the houses down town was a family playing music together. It was AWESOME. The town had lots of character. Small touristy little town but adorable all in its own little cozy area. Had such a neat feel about it. The beach line was nice too. On the way back we got to witness some beautiful scenic too. Lots of old barns and buildings which I love. I think our family is going to make this a tradition and plan for something each year. My kids were so happy and it showed in the glowing in their eyes. It was wonderful to see them so happy!
Hubby chipped his tooth and cracked another one on the bottom of a pool at the motel we were staying at. Poor guy. But he was a trooper and insisted on a good time!

Hiking and time with kids

Spending time with kids hiking and having a picnic was fun! We had a wonderful time sitting in the beautiful mountains and eating snacks and then getting back up and huffing and puffing lol The view is to die for and the sweating is worth it. God made a beautiful country.

The kids were happy to get out too. Got lots of pictures of some beautiful nature. Hope to get out this summer more often with the kids and have a summer to remember.

Busy time in my life

We have been having babies born left and right, sadly we are still having problems with varmints and so many of our babies are no longer. The above is a picture I took of our baby ducks that hatched. What is silly is this momma duck also hatched some baby chicks (Chickens), my animals always give me beautiful opportunities to take pictures.  I have been working on my photography here is my facebook fan page:  Mary Mae Photography . I am loving it. I am building a portfolio right now. I have been  learning so much this past year.  I am so grateful for all the families who have in trusted me taking their pictures.
This is one of these tiny mushrooms  I took

There were some beautiful images shot that day. Here is one my hubby loves

This one was a challenge to take. My hubby had to hold me up for balance. He pointed this image out to me, so he really deserves the credit for it.
 I recently attended another Tea Party. I went with my mom

and on the way home this was showing and I had to have a picture of it

I darkened the closer up so to bring out the snowy peaks. This is the three sisters mountains. (Oregon)

My passion however is to capture people living where they live, doing what they do. Little like national geographic images of people living. Though I never limit how God uses me to capture beauty in all things.

I have also been working on family images and more. I am working on building a website and blog.  Of course HAIN will always be more important. I am also trying to work on bringing my family closer together as well. They have sacrificed so much because of HAIN being a bigger part of my life, meaning less time for them, no regrets just reality. This year is my goal to make them priority over things and dull out and slowly release the responsibility to who God puts into place to take on the responsibilities. HAIN will ALWAYS be my heart.
My other big goal is to have God  # 1 in my life. Though God never leaves me, nor forsakes me. I catch myself busy and forget to include God in my decisions etc. This I will be working on as well.

Lord I give you my life, my family, my heart my passions and desires. With-out you God then life is not worth anything. Lord thank you for being my Father. Thank you Lord for blessing me with my husband, children and family. Amen