Its been 7 years...

 7 years have passed since posting last. How did time go by so fast? Let me tell you grief has consumes me at times.  I have finally told my heart its okay to heal and move on, and the shock that buried me is over,the waves of grief have lessoned to little waves that have distanced where they are few and far between. But I find myself buried in the not knowing where to start, where to begin alone.  There are times I feel Paralized...This song speaks where I am at, at times (many times when I am alone in my own thoughts)

I feel so alone amd scared sometimes I feel frozen. I can't explain it. I have faith in the Lord, that has never left me, I believe in Christ 100%. I still struggle. Sometimes when I lay in my bed with thoughts looking back the regrets, the memories of things said in anger or hurt, things you wish you could take back but will never have that chance, uts haunting sometimes. Forgiving myself is the hardest. 

Fear of being alone for the rest of my time here on earth. Feeling unworthy of a second chance at life. I am not sure how to move forward in life. I have many many many things I am grateful for, and am happy about, those are the things that get me out of bed, get me motivated. 

So many good memories my kids and I have created since Brians passing, I know if he could see us now he would smile. But my heart breaks for what he is missing out on. 

Such as our sons graduating highschool, football games, birth of our grandbabies (3 have been born since he passed) their marriages and our daughter getting married this coming Sat. So many things I am grateful for. 

But now my babies are grown up, my job of raising them is done. This was suppose to be our time we worked so hard for. Our dreams..all gone. What do I do now??? I feel worthless. Its not that I have to have someone, its that I want someone if that makes since. Were not meant to be alone.  

This post is all over the place. 

I guess I am lost...

Whats going on since my last post

I have not posted in forever on this blog. My facebook friends know much of this but the blog users do not or may not. Ashlee my niece had baby Madi. Those who follow know of the maternity picture session I did earlier in the year. Well Madi was born and was healed!! Madi however had her hydrocephalus come back but in it was a miracle. She ended up having brain surgery to put in the tubes and stint (I believe its called) and she is doing so good, the stint and things will be removed when she is 18 years old. I got to give her a bath on Christmas day and she just looked up at me and was so peaceful in the nice warm water. Bathing a miracle baby was a highlight in my life.
Christmas went fairly well. We spent time mainly at my nieces. Though on Christmas day we lost a good companion. Sparky was good, faithful friend to our family and we will miss him allot.


I did one family session for Christmas. It turned out pretty good. And have more to do in January. Been extra busy in HAIN working on tax receipts.

In church we have been going through the "experiencing God" course. We sang in church for a Christmas program. (choir) it was fun and I hope to do more of this.

On the knitting front I only did one project for Christmas. I knitted a hat for a friend of my oldest child.
Hope all of you who read had a wonderful Christmas

2 of my pets gone :(

One of my cats disappeared. We think a fox or something like that got her. It was not like her to leave. AT ALL. We had Muffy for 4-5 years. Bam Gone

And this morning Brian found one of my other cats who I cherished and loved killed by a car. Baby she was an all black cat. It was not like her to go in the road. I think Buddy one of our dogs chased her. I do not have a picture of her. She will be missed terribly. If its not one thing, its another.
I am starting to feel that once all my animals are gone, I am not sure I ever want to own anymore. I can't handle the heartbreak of losing them. It hurts to much.

Walk 4 Life

Brian and kids and my oldest sister Lori, her boyfriend and niece Ashlee behind Brian and tons more other people walking too. Great turn out this year!!

This church has this neat little memorial they put out every year for babies memory whom have been aborted.

It was a hard week this past week

My little sisters father died at the age of 63. He just turned 63 10 days prior. He was like a father to me growing up. The funeral was on Monday. I am still tired from crying so much. But I know he is not suffering anymore.
Keith done many things wrong in his life, but he also done many good things.
One short note

Keith used to always have his handkerchiefs. Well all of us 4 girls wipes our tears away with his handkerchief and laid them in his casket to be buried with him. The picture is of them sitting on the bench we were going to sit at.

This is me and my daughter Julionna putting our Handkerchief in Keith's casket. It was a hard day. One thing I learned from it, is don't take life for granted. I will be contacting my own dad to tell him I love him.