Grateful

Though most of my posts are dark recently, because this is where I go to, when I just need to vent or air the darker hurts I do have a ton of things I am grateful for and I am afraid that all I am posting is not the only part of my life and or feelings. I do have more to be grateful for than hurts. I do not want the only memories of my thoughts to be the side I am working on forgiving,and working on changing.

My daughter Julionna in her wedding gown. (I am a photographer and got to take her wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Baylee (Pauls wife) I was honored to also take their wedding pictures.

My daughter in law Jozie (Gabriels wife) ♡

Me and my kids my son Gabe on left, me, my son  Paul, my daughter Julionna and my son JustenBelow is Leon by Onna. Onna holding Noel amd Leon holding Abel. Far left Jozie and Gabe, and Paul and Baylee. Justen far right.

My kids, my new daughhters, my new son in law. my grands. God gave these precious treasures to me. I will always be blessed by these gifts. They are the reason I get up, the reason I keep fighting the battle each day. I pray each of them know how much I love them.

Who is Madeline Claire?

Story of Miracle Madi

My niece Ashlee had just found out the baby she was carrying had hydrocephalus ( meaning: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocephalus ) Madi's momma would have bad dreams and feelings and told the doctor she knew something was wrong. Doctor telling her everything is probably fine. Ashlee demanding for a ultrasound and finding out news that her daughter has this and may die. Getting rechecked several times they also discovered baby Madi had also had stage 3 strokes in her mothers womb. This picture taken above was taken as Ashlee had just found out, she wanted pictures just in case for her memory. The bracelet had the inscription "little angel" on it. We were all scared and from there started praying for a miracle.

Ashlee and James (Madi's dad) agreed to go to our church we were attending to be prayed over. The whole church went up front and prayed and tears were streaming. A person in the church came by to Ashlee's house and said the Lord asked him to pray specifically over Ashlee while touching her belly. We all prayed more. We were not sure if Madi would live or be born early. Ashlee faced fear of the unknown. She even had a doctor offer to do an abortion while delivering Madi almost full term. Ashlee refused and stood ground for her daughters life. Ashlee being counseled for the worst case scenario's of what to expect or not to expect. 

Madi would soon be born...

Madi was very small and fighting for her little life. She would soon proved to the the doctors she was determined to live. No swelling in her brain her whole stay in the hospital, she was sent home with her momma  when she was ready not when they expected. We would soon discover Madi was a miracle that God was going to use for His glory. All medical field was in awe at the miracle right in front of them. Many people reading about Madi on facebook and off of would soon discover this little girl was determined to touch lives, showing God in everything she did. Each growth, each noise, each movement Madi would reach lives and still is today. Madi's mom would soon discover Madi also got cerebral palsy because of the strokes she had in her momma's womb, but that does not stop this little girl. Because of the Hydrocephalus Madi would need a shunt put in her head to help the fluid drain so her brain does not swell. Madi has had over 6 brain surgeries.

Madi continues to fight for her life. Madi started to walk this last year and gets everywhere. She talks, is starting some sign language and more. Her brother James thinks the world of his sister.

He guards her and snuggles with her. God gave him a special gift just for him and I believe he knows it. Madi is a miracle. She is a girl determined to live against all odds. Today she is headed back to Portland to the childrens hospital to possibly receive another brain surgery. She will have to have these for as long as she lives and our family prays that is for many, many years until she is old and is ready to be in Jesus arms. 

Madi touches all of our lives. She has made me personally look at life differently. She runs to my arms and is hugging me so tight I just crumble with joy and laughter. She brings happiness to the lives of everyone she is around. Madi is a miracle our family is fortunate enough to behold in our lives. We can't think God enough for bringing her into our lives. Every moment she is on this earth is proof of God and the miracles He does.  When you see her smile and watch her brother coo over her you thank God right there for what He has done in your own life. Madi is a special little girl you cannot deny is a miracle. 

This is the short of her story...We love our miracle Madi. Please pray for Madi that God protects/heals her and that God would touch peoples lives by her testimony of her life.

This is our Miracle Madi.... keep praying for God's hand of protection over her life.

Judgement...

My last post was a post that has caused strife and a wave of emotion for posting such pain on a public forum. When someones life feels like its falling apart by betrayal of one you love your emotions run in ways you would not expect unless you are walking in thier shoes.

There are many things I have regretted in my life. Many actions I have asked the Lord Jesus to forgive and He, the Father, has. Sometimes life has a way of grabbing us and making our rawest emotions come out in ways we are not proud of. I am guilty, guilty as charged. The people that know me, truly know me, and know I am someone who would give the clothes off my back for anyone who needed it. Anyone who knows, me truly knows me does not question my integrity or lack of. I do not mean to write these things on here to hurt others. I write on my blog to have a place to go to; to vent, to share my life, my walk, my testimony. Ye,s sometimes life brings up painful things. I have always been an open book and am not afraid to share my thoughts, my feelings, my testimony and sometimes even my pain, hurt, regret, anger, and frustrations. I am guilty of doing those things. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I do share my hurts, happiness ,compassion, fire in my belly and even tears.
My husband did do something very hurtful. Do I hide it? Bury it deep inside and never feel? Do I cry alone at home? Do I never share that part of my life because it makes others feel uncomfortable? I ask if Christ were suffering alone on the cross, and died on it with out anyone to witness, how would it be a witness of His death for our sins? I am not comparing my pain to his; of course not. But Christ knew there is a purpose of sharing. I have had so many people write me privately because I did make my hurt an open book (with my husband reading and knowing what I was doing and him agreeing with me with what I posted)  and many have written to me and told me that working our marriage out has been a huge testimony to them and how they were willing to work out theirs, as they had seen in us that there was light in a very dark place. Do I regret it? Maybe some of what I said. But if it helped touch others lives, then no I do not, not at all. I believe that when someone hides things that we feel deep in our souls, eventually darkness overshadows what God can do in it for His glory. I believe bringing the light into the depth of our souls allows God to heal us. Darkness, bitterness, pain and hurt fill in those places if we do not give it to Christ.
Through all of this my husband asked Christ into his heart and life. I have never seen a man do such a 180 degree turn in his life and in his actions as I have seen my husband do because of what he allowed to happen to our marriage.
Yes I did mention my feelings, of what I felt when I was a young fiance/bride and of the judgement I felt. I had a reason to say what I did. During my younger years I was naive, and had just gotten out of a severely abusive relationship. When we are young, we are not with knowledge (wisdom) as we are when we are with age and life experience. The journey of life is long and puts much wear on our spiritual "shoes" We cannot possibly know things with out wearing in our shoes, which requires living and experiencing life. I was very poor. I was a young mom and had been on my own (literally) from when I was 16 years old. I started with a hard hand dealt to me. Yes, it was because of my own actions and sin many times, which by the way God has used to touch lives. So do I regret my mistakes, my sin? I do, but I do not regret what happened as a result of my sins, as God gets glory and it touches peoples lives. I probably should have explained myself in my prior post. I wrote it because I genuinely felt that way. I felt that way because at one point, in a heated argument, things were said that led me to feel the judgement or state of mind that I spoke of in my last post. The comment about "being a lawyer"  was because I was called " trailer park trash".  I had never before even heard of such words and I was hurt by it. Though we were young and truly my life had moved on, like I said previously, we all say things we regret. But with the pain and hurt I was going through I guess I could say I was not sure who to trust or not trust. So in this case maybe I was unjustified, but maybe I wasn't. Noone ever apologized for saying such painful things to my face. If no apology were ever offered, would you not assume that the feelings might still be lurking inside? I ask you,"what would you feel like or think if my shoes were on your feet and people you reached out to and trusted chose a 'friend" to support over family?
My kids and myself were devastated and were just clinging onto our faith and ourselves, trying to pull something out of the wreckage of our marriage and our lives. I made my marital life public on Facebook. I regretted it at first, until later because as I mentioned earlier, of the feedback of lives being touched through our sharing of our trials. Needing to move forward in my marriage, I later removed the posts. I do have regrets of posting it where my kids could read it and were hurt, but they also saw that God is helping us work things through and that God is big enough to carry us during that time.
One has to ask themselves, "can I walk in their shoes?"  "Can I really throw the first stone?" Are you sinless and able to sit in judgement of others?
Has there ever been a time you regretted doing or saying something? Maybe things you have done wrong to others you wish you could take back?  I have many, many regrets and I have many reasons why Christ bore stripes for me, I am definitely far from perfect and could never throw stones at anyone.
One regret I have is reaching out to some people through all of this, that would never understand. I have come to realize through this that sometimes some people just won't be there for you during the darkest times in your life. They will choose to do things you don't understand. They will choose to place judgement in place of compassion, grace and mercy. People are made of all sorts, some shock you and hurt you, while others will love you and are there for you. moments like this will reveal which ones are which.

My posting this is not directed towards anyone in particular. It is a post of feelings, thoughts and vents.
I have come to realize through this life changing experience that we learn who cares, who has mercy and compassion. We learn many things about others. I did not act perfect through my heartache. But one must ask themselves, to turn the tables and imagine 20 years of marriage with someone you love deeply, to suddenly find out they are literally seeing some "other person" and would have possibly left you for them. Imagine now a sister or brother picking and supporting that "other person" over you? Turn the tables will you. Would you be in pain, feel betrayed? Though I would never wish that upon anyone, I do know to watch how we judge because life has a way of coming back to us and humbling us. Follow the path of righteousness in Christ, not self righteousness in oneself. Don't put judgement on others unless you are free of sin yourself. One never REALLY knows what they would do when faced with devastation or betrayal. We all hope we act just like Christ obviously, but sometimes we don't always act right all the time in every situation in our lives. We learn from our mistakes, and our sin. We pick ourselves up after repentance and prayer and we reach out and hold God's hand and ask Him to lead our way as sometimes we all turn our eyes off of God and do things in and for ourselves. But God is awesome! He sits and waits for us to come back to him; never leaving us during our trials and tribulations. When we come home God celebrates our return. I admit I was angry during much of my husbands betrayal in our marriage, but God is patient with us and turns that anger and hurt into love and more understanding and compassion for others. How can we ever reach out and truly be there for someone if we have never experienced it ourselves? With all things God can use our experiences and touch others with even more compassion then someone who has never been there.
I am not sorry for who I am, where I have come from. I am not sorry for who I am as a mother, wife, sister, or daughter. Sure I wish I was better at all those things, and each day I strive to do and be better. But I also know failure comes growth. Many people live in this little world showing "a fake front' and would never display their failures or share hurts in public, like with church members etc. to keep a happy face in front of others. I ask how many people have been moved by your testimony if you never share or show your real side? I have had a hard life, watching my mom get her face beaten in right in front of us. Watching a dog get beat with a hammer and killed right in front of me. Sexual abuse through much of my younger childhood and being raped on my 16th birthday led to a life of sex and the pain of allowing men to hurt me. Do I put myself in victim mode? You don't know me at all if you say yes. I share my story and how God has changed me. I share with others with no shame how God saw me through it all, how I was able to even forgive the man who took my innocence as a child and spoke at his funeral with a pure heart of forgiveness. God is awesome and can take all that hurt and pain and turn it into something beautiful and glorified. I do have regrets for sinning by using unpleasant words in a post on Facebook about the marriage problems I was facing. But I say to you, I bet something will come into your life where you will do or say something you can never take back. Remember and look back if you go through it yourself if you ever sin even in private that everything we feel in our heart is as bad as doing it in God's eyes.
 I made my hurts public, so what? I would say I made a mistake, but I cannot. As said, my kids were suffering as I was through this affair.
I talked to them about what happened and had been the entire time. Though I do not regret sharing, as many still come to me and ask for advice.

Things kids say...

Paul almost 2 yrs ago

  

So recently I decided to start listening to my dramatized audio bible (has Jim Caviezel) anyway the other day my son Paul tells me its like being tortured because he doesn't understand what they are saying. So I tell him he can play but needed to be in the living room (something on my heart I felt I needed to do) so anyway he finally does and as I thought he relaxes. (he is a hyper child) so the next day (yesterday) I decided to put the audio bible in again (there are 20 cd's we had only listened to a couple) as we were listening to it about an hour later the electric goes out (tree had fell on power lines) and all of a sudden Paul says " man I was just getting into that" he seemed upset. That evening while we were praying Paul wanted to out loud pray for the first time. So we were praying and its Paul's turn. He starts talking about the audio bible saying "Jesus was healing people" and as a matter of factual says "and he made a bunch of stuff come out of a man and gave it to the pigs, I hope know one ate those pigs" now if you know Paul you would laugh your bottom off.

I now realize that listening to these my kids listen and are learning and understand so much easier then trying to learn it by reading it. Paul is 8 almost 9 and for him this has been so calming to him. But he now thinks Jesus is pretty darn cool!

Busy time in my life

We have been having babies born left and right, sadly we are still having problems with varmints and so many of our babies are no longer. The above is a picture I took of our baby ducks that hatched. What is silly is this momma duck also hatched some baby chicks (Chickens), my animals always give me beautiful opportunities to take pictures.  I have been working on my photography here is my facebook fan page:  Mary Mae Photography . I am loving it. I am building a portfolio right now. I have been  learning so much this past year.  I am so grateful for all the families who have in trusted me taking their pictures.
This is one of these tiny mushrooms  I took

There were some beautiful images shot that day. Here is one my hubby loves

This one was a challenge to take. My hubby had to hold me up for balance. He pointed this image out to me, so he really deserves the credit for it.
 I recently attended another Tea Party. I went with my mom

and on the way home this was showing and I had to have a picture of it

I darkened the closer up so to bring out the snowy peaks. This is the three sisters mountains. (Oregon)

My passion however is to capture people living where they live, doing what they do. Little like national geographic images of people living. Though I never limit how God uses me to capture beauty in all things.

I have also been working on family images and more. I am working on building a website and blog.  Of course HAIN will always be more important. I am also trying to work on bringing my family closer together as well. They have sacrificed so much because of HAIN being a bigger part of my life, meaning less time for them, no regrets just reality. This year is my goal to make them priority over things and dull out and slowly release the responsibility to who God puts into place to take on the responsibilities. HAIN will ALWAYS be my heart.
My other big goal is to have God  # 1 in my life. Though God never leaves me, nor forsakes me. I catch myself busy and forget to include God in my decisions etc. This I will be working on as well.

Lord I give you my life, my family, my heart my passions and desires. With-out you God then life is not worth anything. Lord thank you for being my Father. Thank you Lord for blessing me with my husband, children and family. Amen

What have I been up to since posting on this blog last

Well the day after my grandma was buried, it was valentines. My hubby took me on a date. We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, then we went to Barnes and Nobles in Corvallis, OR we always try and go there when we go to Corvallis. I got 2 books and am reading one of them now. Its a book about the Holocaust. I am fascinated how people can survive such atrocities. Its so important that, that never happens again. We must be careful that we do not make our country a socialist one. Did you know Hitler was a believer of socialism?

Anyway I am off subject. We also stayed the night out and the kids stayed with my niece Ashlee. We had Madi and baby J the evening before. We had such a good time with them. Snuggling with Madi all night was simply amazing! She is such a sweet little girl. And it was so fun to watch baby James wear my kids plum out. He ran and ran and by bed time my kids were begging him. It was such a satisfying thing (pay backs lololol). I did not take pictures of them while they were visiting..darn it!

I recently took some newborn pictures of Saxon. Saxon is my sister Kim's nephew. What a doll!! I had a blast doing this. I hope to take many more in the future of him.

Madi recently got out of the hospital for yet another brain surgery. Her first shunt in her head failed. Apparently this one is doing really good!! Madi will need this surgery every 3 yrs anyway, but sometimes the shunts can fail. Ashlee and James have a pretty special girl. She is a blessing in our family. We love her so very much.

Well that is about it.

The things that keep me busy and thinking

My Animals keep me busy, there is always a picture to take. Animals are such a big part of my personal life.
I have been working on my photography skills. I am having a blast creating works of art I hope bless others. I am just an amateur, but am passionate about it. It seems so new in my life, but never had an opprotunty until now to bring my passion for photography out until now.


This morning was a gorgeous morning for picture taking. It was just breath taking. The above picture is a beautiful seen of some fog settle on the ground. in person it was beautiful. When you live next to a river we get allot more fog, but it can be stunning to see. Everything is beautiful and just glorifies our creator.

I have also been working on the end of the year receipts for HAIN . Keeps me busy this time of year. Plus our newsletter is also needing work!

I started a sock but may take it out. I found a beautiful pattern I will try and post it on my knitting blog HERE. Plus I found some neat patterns for sheep/lambs on ravelry . I love, love that site!
Then of course Fabebook keeps me busy too. Ok I admit I am addicted :) . I can meet all my friends and family in one place. Some near and some far. Its nice to have a place to share pictures and your thoughts!
Then in church we are keeping busy with the experiencing God study. Pretty good, but very basic study.
Will post more later......

Homeless Man

While riding on the bus to the women of faith the next morning's conference day I looked out the window and garbage in a ditch caught my eye, but when I looked a little harder and see a homeless soul laying there in a fetal position. My heart stopped. Not because I couldn't deal with seeing homeless person. This particular homeless man looked just like my oldest son. I felt as if time stopped just for me to notice him and thoughts poured in my heart and soul. Seemed like no one cared. Why did know one want to stop, help, and most turned and looked away. What if that were their child? Would they look away? Where was the compassion for him. What if that were Jesus in human form? I was hit so hard and got out of the van when we got to our destination and I couldn't breath, I started to cry so hard it felt personal. My chest was hurting my throat was burning, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. God showed me just for a glimpse His pain He has for His people. We are all hurting and need Him. This homeless man will always have my prayers for his life. I am not all sure what God is showing me though this, but I am open to hear from Him on what He wants me to do in His name.

My Fathers Hands

While in bible study we were talking and I mentioned something about raising hands in church. One of the members (a friend) said she prayed about it and 4 am in the morning God gave her this.

My Fathers Hands
His hands on my head guiding me through dangerous obstacles even crowds that could harm or separate me from Him.
My bruised and scraped hands from a fall, I raise to Him, He sees and teaches me as He heals and sends me on His way again.
Feel of His strong hand over mine that is secure and safe and will never lead me into danger, not let me stray there.
His hand at work with mine, showing me how, training me, then sending me always ready to catch me when I fall or steady me when I am uncertain.
His hands mold my day when I ask. His hands mold all my mistakes always to good for me and His plans for others.
His hands can find beauty in the worst of things. When I can't seem to find His hands, I must trust His heart. For His heart has always been in His hands, His Word is His pulse that slows from them.
I want to have my Father's hands, a true builder whose projects are designed and built in perfection. And i see His work here on earth, always begins with His hands folded in prayer.
In His hands are discipline for His children, but woe to His enemies, they are punished without end
His hands are patient and everlasting comfort to the weak, powerfully protective toward the fragile, but will crush the proud like a vice.
The One whose hands are all of these; this One is perfect in all His deeds. Others may question, many may sneer, but I hunger to have My Savior, Lord and Father's hands dear, for then I know I am loved with an everlasting love and held in His everlasting arms, from now to everlasting I am secure.
So when I worship I lift my hands at times to show them clean ready to "sup" with Him. Sometimes bloody and bruised from battles or falls but I want Him to see them, my heart enthralled, to exalt My Abba, My Savior, My God, My Joy, My Life, My Breath of all.
Through my hands He sees my heart, He knows where I've been and what I've done. Yet as I raise them, every time He says to me, "Come!"
He'll mend the bruises and soften the calluses...He'll wash my hands in His Precious Blood. Through them He'll reach into my heart and take out the black thorns of bitterness and replace them with pearls of His wisdom and His faceted light like diamonds He bestows and once more it seems I feel Him as never before.
Many do not understand, for that reason they've never raised their hands. But with eyes closed I shall raise mine and enjoy our fellowship one more time, for unashamed I cannot truly live without My Father's hands.
I want Him to see mine and the work they've done, blow away the chaff and rejoice with me in the grain. To send me back into the harvests, a worker approved for Him. Yes, my heart, let us be a worker approved. May it be seen by Him in my hands.

Thank you for writing this dear friend. It was very powerful to me and well said.

Forgiven

You know much of my life I know I have blamed myself for many things. I do not see myself as a child of God like some do. I see myself like this woman weeping for God's mercy, forgiveness and grace. I feel even though I know God died for my sins, I feel so unworthy of His forgiveness. I have hurt many with my fits of anger and my mouth has been my worst enemy. I have been on my knee's begging for forgiveness many a times. No one could put more judging on me as I have done to myself. Have you ever came to a time you fell on your face and weaped so much you couldn't even speak? I have been there, due many times because of my own hurts, by my own cause. God simply puts it on my heart "child I love you, YOU are forgiven". Jesus died on the cross for me. He paid my fine. I am not saying I purposefully go out knowing God is forgiving so go take advantage, not at all. It's that I now have even more responsibility to see that God did forgive us, being like Christ is learning to forgive not only others but myself.
Last couple days have been a real struggle, hurt has been so deep I woke up from my dead sleep this morning crying so hard I couldn't talk to tell why I was even crying. As much as I have tried to reach out, I realized many times I reach out allowing myself to be abused by those who chose not to forgive. I know this speaks for most people. I tend to be a carpet and allow others to walk on me. Its not a boyfriend, an abusive husband. Its the very people who should be even more forgiving but who end up being even more unforgiving. I am a different person then who I once was. I have grown up. There are times my mistakes are brought up over and over like puke in my face. And I am a person who takes things personal. I absorb it like a sponge to my soul. I always look at me first, meaning if someone is hurt, "how did I do it, or what did I do wrong to cause it" I many times look at self reflection first. But yesterday and today reality happened. There are some people who will never and have never forgive. I throw myself if their abuse and allow them to degrade me, hurt me, bring all the puke up. And after a good long cry this morning and some talking with my closest support team I realized GOD HAS FORGIVEN ME! Satan is a LIAR! I will not put myself at the mercy of their abuse anymore! I love the Lord with all of my soul. I am no saint by any means what so ever. But I do know God knows me, my true heart, my soul, my inner thoughts. God knows me and they apparently do not. And you know what, I do not care if they do anymore. I will pick myself up, brush myself off and walk with my head up, but not in pride but in humility seeking God in all things, in all of what I do, and in forgiveness. God is merciful! I do not deserve the abuse, I am a child of the most high God. I will keep seeking God's face, with or with out their opinion. AMEN AND AMEN

Powerful message-click here to watch video

This video is exactly how we as Christians should be and feel. Be bold.