Its been 7 years...

 7 years have passed since posting last. How did time go by so fast? Let me tell you grief has consumes me at times.  I have finally told my heart its okay to heal and move on, and the shock that buried me is over,the waves of grief have lessoned to little waves that have distanced where they are few and far between. But I find myself buried in the not knowing where to start, where to begin alone.  There are times I feel Paralized...This song speaks where I am at, at times (many times when I am alone in my own thoughts)

I feel so alone amd scared sometimes I feel frozen. I can't explain it. I have faith in the Lord, that has never left me, I believe in Christ 100%. I still struggle. Sometimes when I lay in my bed with thoughts looking back the regrets, the memories of things said in anger or hurt, things you wish you could take back but will never have that chance, uts haunting sometimes. Forgiving myself is the hardest. 

Fear of being alone for the rest of my time here on earth. Feeling unworthy of a second chance at life. I am not sure how to move forward in life. I have many many many things I am grateful for, and am happy about, those are the things that get me out of bed, get me motivated. 

So many good memories my kids and I have created since Brians passing, I know if he could see us now he would smile. But my heart breaks for what he is missing out on. 

Such as our sons graduating highschool, football games, birth of our grandbabies (3 have been born since he passed) their marriages and our daughter getting married this coming Sat. So many things I am grateful for. 

But now my babies are grown up, my job of raising them is done. This was suppose to be our time we worked so hard for. Our dreams..all gone. What do I do now??? I feel worthless. Its not that I have to have someone, its that I want someone if that makes since. Were not meant to be alone.  

This post is all over the place. 

I guess I am lost...

Family

Family is so important. With out family there is nothing. Family is a word that doesn't seem to have the glue that kept you together. Seems the family unit is falling apart piece by piece. When I think of my own family, my close family I think of the laughter, the fun times, the risky times and the all out love we have for one another. I hate seeing my family struggle, I hate seeing struggles I can't fix. Honestly it breaks my heart when there is strife. It makes me sad when there is any kind of fight or disagreement. I never want to take sides. Always want to love and get along. Families sometimes do fight however and many times the bond grows even stronger in the end.
My mom always said to us growing up "treat one another as if it was your last day on earth because you never know your time and how short it is" and boy that was hard to grasp onto when you couldn't stand the other ones face (laugh out loud). But its so true what mom said so many times, so many years ago. What if something terrible were to happen and we were to never see that person again? Would the little things we fight about matter while seeing them in their casket? Would those hurtful words, or evil stares, or delete option buttons be what you would want to be between you if that was the last thing you had between you and that loved one lay in his/her casket? Think about your answer for just a minute with your heart.
I have personally had some heartbreaking things happen in my life with my own family. But I walked away with one thing and that is give it to God, pray for them and look at them how God sees them (as His child) because that is how God see's us.
Each of us are guilty, each one at fault. I am at fault and guilty. The Lord is working on my every day that I breath. I never want anyone to look at me lay in my casket and would rather never see me alive. I want to leave a legacy, a blessing behind. I want to know when its my time that I left a legacy of love, compassion and laughter. A legacy of love for family and God (not in that order).
Family is most important!!

My 17 year Wedding Anniversary

Brian and I got married in a historical church in Mt. Vernon, MO March 28th, 1993. Brian's dad Paul walked me down the isle. Looking at my future husband dressed in a nice suit waiting to take my hand in marriage. My knees were knocking with excitement. We were so young looking back I am surprised everything fell together at all. All who did make it work a HUGE thank you! 










Brian is a tall handsome man who makes me laugh. He has become the most amazing man I know.With age he gets even more amazing. Brian took on as a father to my son Justen and has raised him like his own son. He still to this day 17 1/2 years later still doesn't call him anything different other then.  I never asked him to be, he just did.

We have been through some amazing times. We have laughed until we cried and through the most difficult times sometimes laughter is what got us through. We have suffered the loss of 2 of our babies. We have learned to become best friends and learned to depend on one another. Know matter what! I am a proud wife of the most amazing man I know. He is also the hardest working man I know. I have never had to worry about going hungry or if we would survive. I have always known my husband would work to make sure we were taken care of.

We are happy. I hope we have 17 more years ahead. Pretty much growing up together you get to know one another. Though things haven't always been easy all the time. I would do it all over again.   Through the tears, laughter, song, dancing, playing, wrestling, smiling, pictures, running, hiking, walking, swimming, laughing some more, stories, jokes, movie nights, all you can eats and more laughter. Of course the typical arguments to the heated discussions. Love makes it through those things. Some how when the hardest times are you cling on and survive. If you want something bad enough its worth fighting for. Love is sacrifice. Love is kind. Love, true love can only come by allowing God to hold it together.

I love you Brian Patrick Glynn. Thank you for asking for my hand in marriage and showing me what a real hero is. You are mine!

Song my baby sister dedicated to Brian and I. She said it reminds her of us.