My last post was a post that has caused strife and a wave of emotion for posting such pain on a public forum. When someones life feels like its falling apart by betrayal of one you love your emotions run in ways you would not expect unless you are walking in thier shoes.
There are many things I have regretted in my life. Many actions I have asked the Lord Jesus to forgive and He, the Father, has. Sometimes life has a way of grabbing us and making our rawest emotions come out in ways we are not proud of. I am guilty, guilty as charged. The people that know me, truly know me, and know I am someone who would give the clothes off my back for anyone who needed it. Anyone who knows, me truly knows me does not question my integrity or lack of. I do not mean to write these things on here to hurt others. I write on my blog to have a place to go to; to vent, to share my life, my walk, my testimony. Ye,s sometimes life brings up painful things. I have always been an open book and am not afraid to share my thoughts, my feelings, my testimony and sometimes even my pain, hurt, regret, anger, and frustrations. I am guilty of doing those things. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I do share my hurts, happiness ,compassion, fire in my belly and even tears.
My husband did do something very hurtful. Do I hide it? Bury it deep inside and never feel? Do I cry alone at home? Do I never share that part of my life because it makes others feel uncomfortable? I ask if Christ were suffering alone on the cross, and died on it with out anyone to witness, how would it be a witness of His death for our sins? I am not comparing my pain to his; of course not. But Christ knew there is a purpose of sharing. I have had so many people write me privately because I did make my hurt an open book (with my husband reading and knowing what I was doing and him agreeing with me with what I posted) and many have written to me and told me that working our marriage out has been a huge testimony to them and how they were willing to work out theirs, as they had seen in us that there was light in a very dark place. Do I regret it? Maybe some of what I said. But if it helped touch others lives, then no I do not, not at all. I believe that when someone hides things that we feel deep in our souls, eventually darkness overshadows what God can do in it for His glory. I believe bringing the light into the depth of our souls allows God to heal us. Darkness, bitterness, pain and hurt fill in those places if we do not give it to Christ.
Through all of this my husband asked Christ into his heart and life. I have never seen a man do such a 180 degree turn in his life and in his actions as I have seen my husband do because of what he allowed to happen to our marriage.
Yes I did mention my feelings, of what I felt when I was a young fiance/bride and of the judgement I felt. I had a reason to say what I did. During my younger years I was naive, and had just gotten out of a severely abusive relationship. When we are young, we are not with knowledge (wisdom) as we are when we are with age and life experience. The journey of life is long and puts much wear on our spiritual "shoes" We cannot possibly know things with out wearing in our shoes, which requires living and experiencing life. I was very poor. I was a young mom and had been on my own (literally) from when I was 16 years old. I started with a hard hand dealt to me. Yes, it was because of my own actions and sin many times, which by the way God has used to touch lives. So do I regret my mistakes, my sin? I do, but I do not regret what happened as a result of my sins, as God gets glory and it touches peoples lives. I probably should have explained myself in my prior post. I wrote it because I genuinely felt that way. I felt that way because at one point, in a heated argument, things were said that led me to feel the judgement or state of mind that I spoke of in my last post. The comment about "being a lawyer" was because I was called " trailer park trash". I had never before even heard of such words and I was hurt by it. Though we were young and truly my life had moved on, like I said previously, we all say things we regret. But with the pain and hurt I was going through I guess I could say I was not sure who to trust or not trust. So in this case maybe I was unjustified, but maybe I wasn't. Noone ever apologized for saying such painful things to my face. If no apology were ever offered, would you not assume that the feelings might still be lurking inside? I ask you,"what would you feel like or think if my shoes were on your feet and people you reached out to and trusted chose a 'friend" to support over family?
My kids and myself were devastated and were just clinging onto our faith and ourselves, trying to pull something out of the wreckage of our marriage and our lives. I made my marital life public on Facebook. I regretted it at first, until later because as I mentioned earlier, of the feedback of lives being touched through our sharing of our trials. Needing to move forward in my marriage, I later removed the posts. I do have regrets of posting it where my kids could read it and were hurt, but they also saw that God is helping us work things through and that God is big enough to carry us during that time.
One has to ask themselves, "can I walk in their shoes?" "Can I really throw the first stone?" Are you sinless and able to sit in judgement of others?
Has there ever been a time you regretted doing or saying something? Maybe things you have done wrong to others you wish you could take back? I have many, many regrets and I have many reasons why Christ bore stripes for me, I am definitely far from perfect and could never throw stones at anyone.
One regret I have is reaching out to some people through all of this, that would never understand. I have come to realize through this that sometimes some people just won't be there for you during the darkest times in your life. They will choose to do things you don't understand. They will choose to place judgement in place of compassion, grace and mercy. People are made of all sorts, some shock you and hurt you, while others will love you and are there for you. moments like this will reveal which ones are which.
My posting this is not directed towards anyone in particular. It is a post of feelings, thoughts and vents.
I have come to realize through this life changing experience that we learn who cares, who has mercy and compassion. We learn many things about others. I did not act perfect through my heartache. But one must ask themselves, to turn the tables and imagine 20 years of marriage with someone you love deeply, to suddenly find out they are literally seeing some "other person" and would have possibly left you for them. Imagine now a sister or brother picking and supporting that "other person" over you? Turn the tables will you. Would you be in pain, feel betrayed? Though I would never wish that upon anyone, I do know to watch how we judge because life has a way of coming back to us and humbling us. Follow the path of righteousness in Christ, not self righteousness in oneself. Don't put judgement on others unless you are free of sin yourself. One never REALLY knows what they would do when faced with devastation or betrayal. We all hope we act just like Christ obviously, but sometimes we don't always act right all the time in every situation in our lives. We learn from our mistakes, and our sin. We pick ourselves up after repentance and prayer and we reach out and hold God's hand and ask Him to lead our way as sometimes we all turn our eyes off of God and do things in and for ourselves. But God is awesome! He sits and waits for us to come back to him; never leaving us during our trials and tribulations. When we come home God celebrates our return. I admit I was angry during much of my husbands betrayal in our marriage, but God is patient with us and turns that anger and hurt into love and more understanding and compassion for others. How can we ever reach out and truly be there for someone if we have never experienced it ourselves? With all things God can use our experiences and touch others with even more compassion then someone who has never been there.
I am not sorry for who I am, where I have come from. I am not sorry for who I am as a mother, wife, sister, or daughter. Sure I wish I was better at all those things, and each day I strive to do and be better. But I also know failure comes growth. Many people live in this little world showing "a fake front' and would never display their failures or share hurts in public, like with church members etc. to keep a happy face in front of others. I ask how many people have been moved by your testimony if you never share or show your real side? I have had a hard life, watching my mom get her face beaten in right in front of us. Watching a dog get beat with a hammer and killed right in front of me. Sexual abuse through much of my younger childhood and being raped on my 16th birthday led to a life of sex and the pain of allowing men to hurt me. Do I put myself in victim mode? You don't know me at all if you say yes. I share my story and how God has changed me. I share with others with no shame how God saw me through it all, how I was able to even forgive the man who took my innocence as a child and spoke at his funeral with a pure heart of forgiveness. God is awesome and can take all that hurt and pain and turn it into something beautiful and glorified. I do have regrets for sinning by using unpleasant words in a post on Facebook about the marriage problems I was facing. But I say to you, I bet something will come into your life where you will do or say something you can never take back. Remember and look back if you go through it yourself if you ever sin even in private that everything we feel in our heart is as bad as doing it in God's eyes.
I made my hurts public, so what? I would say I made a mistake, but I cannot. As said, my kids were suffering as I was through this affair.
I talked to them about what happened and had been the entire time. Though I do not regret sharing, as many still come to me and ask for advice.
